The Baal Bunch
by ProbableImpossibilities
Summary: I used to think having six brothers was bad; Amaimon alone is almost too much to handle. Now all of a sudden, that number's gone up to eight, and I'll be lucky if I can finish senior year without going insane. - - A look at how things might have been if the sons of Satan were a "normal" family (AU).
1. Meet the Family

**Author's Note: This is an AU in which the Baal brothers are all humans and go to an American high school (because demons technically don't have nationalities, so I'mma do what I want). Also, only four of them have been explicitly mentioned in the manga to date (Samael/Mepphy, Amaimon, Astaroth, and Lucifer), so I added the other three from standard demonology; if it turns out later that my guesses are wrong, please try not to get too upset. **

**Also, keep in mind that this was meant to be kind of stupid, so please laugh at the jokes and don't think about it too much. This will be framed in 1st person/present tense (italics), then told in omniscient Mepphy-centric 3rd person/past tense (not italics) for the most part… just to let you know what to expect. Also, rated T for demons, but there will be no explicit inappropriateness.**

* * *

_2 Sept. 2013_

_English 12_

_Samael Baal_

_Personal Journal Assignment_

_Entry #1_

_Allow me to start by saying that I believe this whole exercise to be a horrific waste of time, as well as a terrible blow to the dignity of every student in this class. We're all seniors here; you'd think we would be writing poems or flash fiction by now, but NO. It's almost as if I haven't been forced into at least one mind-numbingly pointless diary project each year since fourth grade. Additionally, I find the instruction that we all waste our entire first entry on introducing ourselves and our families because you, Mrs. Fairfax, were too lazy to come up with a proper ice-breaker game for the first day ridiculous. But I digress. _

_Yes, my name is Samael Baal, but please, do not ever refer to me as 'Sam' or 'Sammy' or 'Samuel;' I prefer to be addressed by my stage name, 'MEPHISTO PHELES, CONJURER EXTRAORDINAIRE!' ...Well, alright, the last part isn't really necessary, but I will only answer to 'Mephisto.' I will be eighteen on Walpurgis Nacht (I suggest you look it up), and I plan on studying philosophy and psychology at whichever university offers me the most financial aid. _

_More importantly, however, I am an illusionist. I refrain from using the word 'magician' because that seems to make most people think of someone who entertains at the birthday parties of small children, and I would certainly never stoop to that level. No, the illusions I create are infinitely more dazzling than anything you, Mrs. Fairfax, have ever seen in your miserable, school-marm's life. I won't go into further detail because a good illusionist never talks about his tricks, but I can guarantee you they would blow your mind. _

_Now I suppose I'll have to introduce my family, which, admittedly, is a task that could easily eat up several pages, so I will keep it brief. _

_To begin with, I have six brothers, and though we share the same father, we come from several different mothers, all of whom are, coincidentally, dead. Our father's name is Satan Baal, and he was apparently seeing all of our mothers at around the same time; thus, all seven of us aren't more than four years apart in age. Father says he was going through a phase at the time, but I suspect that the only reason he hasn't continued that particular lifestyle choice is because he's realized that seven boys might already be a little beyond the limits of his shady finances. Speaking of which, I suppose I should mention that our mothers had all taken out huge life insurance policies right before they "disappeared"... Father never addresses this subject, but we've all grown rather apathetic towards it. Having a psychopathic father who probably killed your mother is always a great conversation starter. _

_So, in case you haven't noticed by this point, my family could be described as quite messed up; every one of us is a little unhinged. I'm actually the second-oldest; Lucifer, the eldest, is currently starting his first year of college, to which I can only respond, FINALLY. I have been waiting AGES for that ridiculous goody-two-shoes frat boy to go as far away as possible and actually join a frat. People say that Luc has one of those faces that inspires implicit trust, and it's probably true. However, mostly he just uses that trust for his own twisted purposes. Also, he refuses to call me anything but 'Sammy,' to which, as stated earlier, I strongly object. I've entertained the theory that our animosity may be due to the fact that we had the same mother, thus, Freudian sibling rivalry... But again, I digress. _

_Like I said, I'm the second oldest, so the third is Astaroth. He's a senior as well, and he's a bit... creepy. There's just no other way to say this. You see, he's completely obsessed with dead things. He brings roadkill home on a regular basis for no apparent reason. He says he plans on studying to become a coroner, but I really don't know... up until two years ago, he told everyone he wanted to be a necromancer. Naturally Father was not concerned by this, but more than five visits to the counselor's office made Astaroth change his mind, or at least his immediate post-high-school plans. Now he sits around watching Dr. G and dissecting cats. It's weird._

_After Astaroth, the fourth-oldest is Asmodeus. I'm reluctant to discuss him here, but since I already seem to have taken a no-holds-barred approach to this assignment, I suppose I should attempt to do his depravity justice. Asmodeus is a junior, and he is basically the most promiscuous creature under the sun. All of his facial expressions (including shock and anger) include bedroom-eyes, and I'm sure he'll swing whatever way you want him to. He even tells people to call him Ass. He seems pretty doggedly determined to ruin his life for the sake of "love," although I certainly can't deny that he does have a way of getting people to do whatever he wants them to. I can guarantee you that every single girl in his grade either has a shirtless poster of him taped to the inside of her locker, or wants to pull out his intestines with a fork._

_Moving on, after Asmodeus comes Belphegor, also a junior. There's really not much to say about him, because he seems content to spend every single day of his existence doing literally nothing. I believe people used to call this sort of behavior 'sloth,' and watching him, one can certainly see the parallels to the animal. Belph is so lazy that sometimes I forget he's even there; he's always at school, but he never attends his classes, so I have no idea where he goes. But wherever he is, he's probably napping or playing video games._

_The second-youngest of our little tribe is Mammon. He's a sophomore, but he tells everyone he's 'majoring in entrepreneurship,' as though he's already at college. He's tiny and a bit of a wimp, but people stopped picking on him a long time ago when credit-card accounts owned by either their parents or the students themselves would get brutally hacked. Mammon never spends any of his allowance; instead, he deposits it all into a miraculous bank account that gives him a return of 7.5% interest. His lucrative business skills are actually quite shady at times, but so far no one's been able to suspect the cute little devil of anything so serious as large-scale fraud. He and Luc must have some kind of pact, because Luc sometimes acts as Mammon's salesperson for reasons he refused to discuss._

_Finally, last and certainly least, we have the baby of the family; Amaimon. He's also a sophomore, but I swear, he has the brain of a ten-year-old. He is completely and utterly dense. In fact, he's so stupid that for a while, most of the teachers thought he was legitimately "special." But he is the only one who actually calls me Mephisto, so I suppose he's not too bad… still, babysitting him is a pain. He's really into plants and rocks and things, to the point where I practically can hear that "Colors of the Wind" song playing when he's frolicking around in the park. Most of the time, he seems like he doesn't really have any emotions, and he always has this blank look in his eyes... unless someone mentions candy._

_And that is that as far as introducing my family goes. Since I seem to have fulfilled all the requirements for this particular entry, I will end it here. Hopefully, I will have something more interesting to write about for my next entry, although I can definitely see this assignment quickly becoming a pain. Ah well, auf wiedersehen._

* * *

_3. Sept. 2013_

_Entry #2_

_ Well, well, well. Something interesting certainly did happen today… although I must say, I think the rest of my life was just ruined. But before I get to that, I suppose I should start at the beginning. Early this morning, at breakfast, Father sat all of us (except Luc) down and said that he had something very important to tell us. That, of course, couldn't mean anything good…_

* * *

"Hey, quit it!"

Mephisto glared across the table at Asmodeus, who leaned back in his chair, grinning. He smirked, barely feigning innocence. "Quit what? I didn't do anything…"

Mephisto narrowed his eyes. "You're playing footsie with me under the table." He reached forward and grabbed the Nutella, spreading it on a slice of bread. "It's too early for this, Ass."

Asmodeus raised an eyebrow, eyes half-lidded. "Oh, it's never too early for footsie…"

Mammon giggled quietly, then went back to inhaling his Cheerios. Astaroth looked bored, absentmindedly poking his bacon with a fork. He sighed. "I hope I get to dissect something today…"

Mephisto rolled his eyes. "Just don't bring anything you found on the street into the house, it's disgusting." Glancing around, he noticed with some shock that Belph was actually in his usual seat this morning… although he looked half-dead. Mephisto shot a quick glance towards the head of the table, where his father sat hidden behind a giant tabloid with a picture of some alien squid-children on the front. Only the old man could drag Belph out of bed at this hour…

Amaimon pulled a lollipop out of his mouth, held it in front of his face, and started testing to see how far his tongue could extend in order to lick it. He then turned to Mephisto with a blank look on his face. "Big Bro… when is Luc gonna come back?"

For an instant, Mephisto's usual smirk was replaced with a look of utter disgust. "Never, if I have anything to say about it!" With that being said, his smirk returned, and he held the butter-knife in his hand like a sword, raised to the sky in salute. "And since he's not here, I'm the oldest, so you all have to do what I say from now on!" He waved the knife around, pointing it at each of his brothers in turn. "And my first act as Grand Imperial Monarch of the Baal Clan will be to declare that henceforth and forevermore none of you shall refer to me as anything but MEPHISTO PHELES!" He cackled with glee, pausing between laughs to take giant bites out of his Nutella-bread.

Amaimon popped the lollipop back in his mouth, looking slightly confused. "So, does that mean I can't call you 'Big Bro' anymore?"

Mammon huffed. "We're all your big brothers, stupid!" He glanced over at Mephisto. "Besides, none of us have to listen to anything that clown says. He's still only the second-oldest; that doesn't count for anything in my book."

Mephisto smirked. "Screw your book, I'm still the oldest one _here_. And there's nothing you can do about it!" He took a triumphant bite out of his Nutella-bread for emphasis.

Mammon turned up his nose and went back to eating his Cheerios. Asmodeus and Astaroth exchanged a quick glance and rolled their eyes.

Belphegor yawned, and turned to face the head of the table. "Father, can I go back to sleep now?"

Suddenly, the tabloid was folded up and tossed onto the kitchen counter. Satan folded his arms. "No… I have something very important to discuss with all of you."

Everyone else at the table gaped. The old man rarely interacted with them at all, and now he had something very important to discuss? Mephisto frowned slightly. This couldn't be good…

Satan cleared his throat. "Well, you all know I'm no good at speeches, so here it is." He leaned back in his chair. "Starting today, you'll have two more younger brothers." He grinned. "Daddy's very excited!"

The room suddenly went completely silent, all thoughts of breakfast forgotten. Mephisto stared at his father in shock. "W- WHAT?!"

Satan smirked. "Now, now, no need to get upset, Samael. They're both only a year younger than Amaimon, so you won't have to do any babysitting…"

Mephisto plunged the butter-knife into his bread. "That's not the problem!" he retorted. "Why didn't any of us know about this before?!" He folded his arms. "You know I despise not knowing things…"

Satan shrugged. "Sorry, but it was out of my hands." He leaned forward and rested his hands on the table; it was story-time. "See, a long, long time ago, Daddy had lots of unprotected sex with a woman named Yuri…"

Mephisto groaned. Not again…

"So, eventually, Yuri became pregnant," Satan continued. "And it turned out she actually had twins! Unfortunately, she died soon after giving birth…"

Mephisto and Astaroth exchanged knowing glances.

"...so the boys should have been given to me, right?" He frowned slightly. "But then some priest had to go and adopt them; he said I shouldn't have custody. His name was Fuji-something, and he took the boys back with him to Japan." He smirked. "But just last week, he died."

Mephisto and Astaroth exchanged glances again.

"So, now we can all be one big happy family," Satan continued. "We'll be picking your brothers up at the airport before you go to school this morning, so be nice and have fun!" He grinned sadistically.

Amaimon smiled a little, sucking loudly on his lollipop. "Yay, I've always wanted a little brother! Now I've got two!"

Asmodeus flicked his bangs. "They'd better be good-looking, or else I won't be seen in public with them…"

Mammon rubbed his hands together greedily. "I wonder how much we can get out of them for transportation fees?"

Astaroth started poking his bacon again. "Maybe they can help me find specimens for my dissections…"

Mephisto glanced around the table, annoyed. "Am I really the only one who's upset about this?!" When everyone ignored him, he sighed and turned to face his father. "Are they going to be coming to school with us today?"

Satan nodded. "Yep!" He grinned wickedly at Mephisto. "So, since you're 'the oldest one here,' I expect you to show them around. You know, help them get settled in." He reached over towards the kitchen counter, grabbed the tabloid, and opened it up in front of him. "Because I don't have time for that sort of thing."

Mephisto sighed and held his head in his hands. _Great… my life has officially been ruined._

* * *

**Author's Note: And so it begins… the ridiculousness… **

**Sorry for all the Mepphy-exposition, but it needed to be done. I, truthfully, don't like writing that way, so most of the story is going to be 3rd person from here on out.**

**I find Satan difficult to characterize, so sorry if he seems… odd. In fact, this is my first Blue Exorcist fic, so sorry if my characterizations are off across the board.**

**I swear, the theme song to The Brady Bunch has been repeating itself incessantly inside my head ever since I started writing this. It never stops… *shivers***


	2. Introductions

**Author's Note: Okay, so now, thanks to some very lovely and helpful people, I realize that the other Baal actually are named already... just in the back section that I never read (go figure). Also, whenever someone said "eight demon kings," I always thought that it was the seven princes of Hell (from demonology) plus Rin. In my defense, Wikipedia told me nothing! Anyway, now that I know, I don't think I'm gonna change anything, just because I have these two lovely letters (A and U) that allow me to get away with it. But beyond these aforementioned inconsistencies, I promise to not rip the canon to shreds. Now back to your irregularly scheduled fan fiction. **

* * *

_Entry #2 (cont.)_

_To be honest, at first I wasn't quite sure how to react to Father's "announcement." After my initial indignation at having been left out of the loop, I started trying to figure out how this development would affect things. Of course, the immediate consequence was more work for me, being unfairly charged with giving the twins the grand tour. However, I had no idea what sort of people these new brothers would turn out to be, so I was naturally a bit curious. They also happened to be Japanese, and I happen to have an obsession of sorts with manga and anime... but it's totally under control! I'm not a rabid fanboy or anything! _

_Ah, at any rate, my feelings on the twins were, at that point, sort of a mixed bag. As soon as we finished breakfast, Father piled us all into the family van - Asmodeus calls it "the pedo van" - and drove us to the airport, which is sort of on the way to school. In fact, if you, Mrs. Fairfax, were to fly down those back roads the way Father does, you might actually get to the school earlier than usual. Father never speeds on the highways because the policemen who man the speed traps all know his license plate number by heart, but for him, the term "back road" is synonymous with "Autobahn."_

_At any rate, we reached the airport alive and in record time. Once there, we all gathered around the baggage claim area to wait for the twins to arrive..._

* * *

Amaimon glanced around the room, eyes slightly wider than usual. "Woww… there sure are a lot of people here." He turned to Mephisto. "I wonder what kinds of places they're all flying to...?"

Mephisto sighed. "Amaimon, this is the baggage claim. People pick up their luggage here _after_ their flights."

Amaimon blinked. "Oh…" He shifted his lollipop to the other side of his mouth. "Big Bro, do you think our new brothers will speak English?"

Mephisto shrugged, smirking slightly. "Probably, although they might not be fluent." He puffed out his chest. "But even if they don't, I can translate for you!"

Mammon sniggered. "Yeah, as long as the only words they say are _kawaii_, _baka_, and _ramen_." This remark resulted in a few chuckles from Astaroth and a giggle from Asmodeus.

Mephisto huffed. "There's no need to be nasty." He smirked. "I understand if you're jealous of my incredible trilingual skills." He glanced pointedly at Astaroth. "After all, since _someone_ decided to take two sciences this year, I'm the only one of us who's still in a language class…"

Mammon sneered at Mephisto. "I'm pretty sure he stopped taking German because he didn't want to be in the same class as you, not because he wanted to double-up."

Astaroth shrugged. "Nah, I just didn't think a fourth year of German was necessary."

Asmodeus winked at him. "No, no, the real reason is that you wanted to be close to your 'sweetheart,' am I right?"

Astaroth folded his arms. "If by 'sweetheart' you mean Agatha, then yes." He blushed slightly. "She's so beautiful… I just can't stop staring at her."

Amaimon blinked. "Who's Agatha?"

Mephisto wrinkled his nose in disgust. "'Agatha' is the dead pig fetus Mr. Neuhaus keeps in a glass jar on his shelf."

Astaroth nodded. "I really want to study her…"

Luckily, they were spared from any further disturbing details by a loud exclamation from the old man. "There they are!" he said, pointing towards the left-hand side of the room.

Mephisto turned his head in that direction; sure enough, he spotted two dark-haired boys wearing what looked like school uniforms trying to navigate the crowds. They weren't identical, but they certainly looked like twins.

Satan started trying to flag them down, hand raised high above his head. After a couple of seconds, one of the twins noticed and started tugging the other one towards the right side of the room, dragging their bags behind them. As they got closer, Mephisto noticed that the one doing the nudging had slightly longer hair and a sloppy appearance, while the one being nudged had thin, rectangular glasses and a couple of moles on his face. They both looked a little nervous.

When the twins reached the group, Satan stood next to them and clapped a hand on each of their shoulders. "Welcome home, boys," he said. He must've been making his signature "creeper" face, because the twins looked terrified. Satan turned to face the rest of his sons, and motioned towards the twins. "Rest of you, this is Rin," the sloppy one, "and Yukio," glasses. Satan then turned back to the twins. "Rin, Yukio, this is Mammon, Astaroth, Asmodeus, Samael-"

"Mephisto!"

"Yeah, whatever. And that's Amaimon, and..." Satan looked around, slightly confused. "Where's Belphegor?"

Amaimon pulled his lollipop out of his mouth. "I think he's still in the pedo-van."

Satan sighed. "Asleep, right?"

Amaimon nodded, sticking the lollipop back in his mouth. Satan growled. "I am going to kill him..." He stalked off towards the exit. "Come on, boys; can't be late for school," he snarled.

No one followed him right away; it was probably safer to let the old man get to the van first, anyway, since he looked like he was going to explode. Instead, they formed a sort of semi-circle in front of the twins, all a little curious. For their part, the twins seemed curious, too.

Mephisto stepped forward; he just had to be the first to introduce himself (the old man's introduction was too brief to count for anything). Otherwise, someone else might make a stronger impression, and he didn't want that. "Hello, and welcome to the clan!" He bowed with a flourish. "Mephisto Pheles, at your service." He smirked, held out his hands, and said, in a singsong voice, "If there's anything you need, feel free to ask!"

Glasses, err, Yukio, smiled at little. "Thank you," he said politely. The other twin, Rin, simply raised an eyebrow; he looked a little uncomfortable. However, after a very pointed look from Yukio, he sighed. "Yeah, thanks."

Mammon snickered. "Don't worry, we're not all as weird as that clown." He folded his arms. "I'm Mammon, by the way."

After Rin and Yukio said hello, Mephisto stuck his tongue out at Mammon, who quickly countered by grabbing the corners of his mouth and wagging his tongue back and forth. Mephisto, not to be outdone, slid the edge of his right thumbnail under his two front teeth and flicked it in his younger brother's direction, shouting, "I bite my thumb at you, sir!" Rin stared at him and whispered something to Yukio, who promptly glared at him in reproach. Mephisto resisted the urge to giggle. _Yukio must be the older one, then…_

Suddenly, Asmodeus pushed Mephisto aside and flicked back his bangs. "Hey there… My name's Asmodeus, but you…" He winked at the twins. "...can call me 'Ass.'"

Now even Yukio looked uncomfortable. "H- Hello…" he muttered. Rin just stared, looking increasingly weirded-out. Mephisto might have felt bad for him if that face he was making didn't look so funny. It was taking all his self-control to keep from bursting out laughing.

Astaroth sighed, and held out a hand. "'Sup. My name's Astaroth." He narrowed his eyes at Asmodeus. "I don't have any stupid nicknames…"

Yukio and Rin both shook his hand. "Well, that's good, I guess…" Rin muttered, still making that hilarious 'you-are-all-so-weird' face.

Mephisto turned to Amaimon, who was sucking loudly on his lollipop. "Well? Aren't you going to introduce yourself?" he asked.

Amaimon blinked. "Oh… yeah." He pulled the lollipop out of his mouth. "Um, I'm Amaimon…"

The twins watched him expectantly; when Amaimon didn't elaborate, Rin sighed. "Hi." Yukio smiled half-heartedly. "Hello…"

Mephisto suddenly clapped both of them on the back and started nudging them towards the exit. "Alright, now that we all know each other, we'd best be off!" He smirked. "You'll meet Belphegor when we get to the van, although he's probably asleep."

Yukio blinked. "But didn't Mr. Baal just leave to yell at him?"

Astaroth let out a harsh laugh. "If anyone can sleep through the old man's screaming, it's Belph."

Mephisto smirked. "Speaking of the old man…" He turned to face Yukio. "He'll probably tell you to call him 'Daddy,' but we don't, so you don't have to, either."

Rin raised an eyebrow as they passed through the automatic doors. "He doesn't really seem like the 'daddy' type…"

Asmodeus grinned, eyes half-lidded. "We think he's going through a mid-life crisis. Like, all of a sudden he thinks he has to act like a good parent or something."

Rin stared at him. "You mean, he isn't a good parent?"

Asmodeus laughed. "Dunno, really. He only talks to us at breakfast and dinner."

Mephisto smirked. "Since you two arrived today, Father graced us with an extra five minutes of verbal interaction." He chuckled. "But don't worry, you've got all six of us to keep you company!"

Rin made a sour face, but tried to stifle it when Yukio glared at him. "Wow, that's, um, great…" he muttered.

As the group exited the airport and made their way into the parking lot, Mephisto spotted the large black van parked next to a light pole over to their right. He began to herd the group in that direction, nudging here and there; he had to grab Amaimon by the shoulders and turn him completely around to keep him from wandering off the other way. Once everyone seemed to be correctly oriented, he turned to the twins and smiled gleefully. "So… did you live in Japan for a long time?"

Yukio nodded. "We lived there our whole lives."

Amaimon caught up to them and twirled his lollipop around in his mouth. "You speak English really good…"

Yukio smiled. "Yes, we do speak it _well_, thank you."

Mephisto laughed. He couldn't help it. "That's great! What a sense of humor!" He threw his arm around Yukio's shoulders. "You and I are going to get along juuuust fine."

Yukio stiffened, caught a little bit off-guard by the gesture. Mephisto grinned and backed up, maneuvering himself as he walked so as to be next to Rin. "So…" He tried his best to look casual. "What do you think of the 'Iwatobi Swim Club?'"

Rin stared. "Umm…"

Mephisto blinked. "Oh, is that not your thing?" He grinned. "No, I've got it; you look like more of an 'Attack on Titan' kind of guy…"

Rin scratched his head. "I'm… not really into either of those shows."

Mephisto blinked. "Really? What about 'Senyu?'"

Rin grimaced. "That's gag anime!"

Yukio fidgeted. "I like 'Senyu'..." he muttered.

Mephisto hadn't heard. He was too busy gawking at Rin. "Well, then, what do you watch?!"

Rin shrugged. "Whatever's on TV, I guess. I was trying to look for a job before…" He trailed off suddenly, staring at his shoes. Mephisto blinked. _Oh…_ He shrugged. _Maybe I'll be nice today and let it go…_

Amaimon pulled his lollipop out of his mouth. "Before what?"

Mephisto glared at him. "Too soon, Amaimon."

Amaimon looked confused. "Huh?"

Yukio coughed. "The man who raised us, Father Shiro Fujimoto, was murdered last week while we were both out of the house."

Suddenly, the rest of the group, who'd been chatting amongst themselves before, went silent. They all stared at the twins, who were both doing their best to avoid meeting anyone's gaze.

Mephisto and Astaroth exchanged glances; they both had an idea of what had really happened to Father Fujimoto, but there was no way either of them was going to tell the twins. Mephisto decided to try and find out if Rin or Yukio had the same idea. He folded his hands in front of him. "That's terrible… you have my sympathies." He waited a moment or two, then very carefully asked, "Do you have any idea who might've done it?"

Rin was silent; Yukio shook his head. "No; we haven't heard anything." He folded his arms, hugging himself. "The police said it might have been a burglary gone wrong…"

Rin suddenly clenched his fists. "I swear… I'm gonna find the person that killed Dad," he growled, then looked Mephisto straight in the eye. "And I'm gonna kick his ass!"

Mephisto blinked, surprised by the sheer force of Rin's declaration. The others looked a bit surprised, as well… even Amaimon's eyes were slightly wider than usual. After a moment or two, Mephisto found himself smirking. He suppressed a sudden urge to laugh; was he the only one who thought this was funny?

Somehow, during this whole exchange, they'd reached the pedo-van. Astaroth reached up and flung open one of the side doors, and the brothers piled inside, stepping over a dazed-looking Belphegor. Mephisto, being the oldest (at the moment), walked around to the passenger's side and hopped into the 'shotgun' seat.

Satan, already behind the wheel with keys in the ignition, growled at him. "And just what were all of you doing that it took so long for you to get over here?"

Mephisto shrugged. "Oh, you know, just… bonding over light conversation."

Satan sighed. "You can work on 'bonding' when you get to school." He revved up the engine and peeled out of the parking lot, tires squealing. "Dropping you little miscreants off is the best part of Daddy's day," he muttered dryly.

* * *

_And so, after what surely must have been a horrifying ride for little Rin and Yukio, we arrived at school with time to spare. I, being the kind-hearted person that I am, decided to show the twins around before classes started. Of course, our first stop was the Counseling Office; it's hard to find one's classes if one doesn't have one's schedule, after all. It turns out that some of Yukio's extra credits from whatever overachieving he did in Japan were able to transfer over to our school, so he's actually taking a tenth-grade science class. He told me he wants to study to become a doctor, so I suppose he's off to a good start. Rin, on the other hand… I'm not so sure he knows what he's doing. He seems enthusiastic, sure, but, according to the counselor, his attendance record from his old school was rather spotty. I don't think his grades were very good, either. Ah, well, there's one in every family, I suppose. Rin makes three in ours._

_After showing the twins to their classrooms, the rest of my day went relatively smoothly. Turns out I have Frau Weber for German again this year… not only does she refuse to call me Mephisto, but she's been pronouncing my name 'Samiel' (sam-EE-el) for the past year. I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm the Black Huntsman from __Der Freischütz__, for reasons that as of yet escape me. Ah well, such is life as a member of a family with ridiculous names, I suppose. _

_Astaroth and I somehow ended up in the same Anatomy and Physiology class with Mr. Neuhaus and his dead pig fetus… if there's anything I'm NOT looking forward to (or at least feeling ambivalent towards) for this semester, it's that class. Luckily, though, I have Psychology during the block after that, so it shouldn't be too bad… Ah, I'm rambling again. Forgive me; I'm sure you, Mrs. Fairfax, have no desire to hear the details of my daily schedule. _

_At any rate, nothing else particularly exciting happened today. Dinner was quieter than usual, so I suppose that's actually more like an anti-event than anything else. For now, Rin and Yukio are sharing my room, because Lucifer isn't here and won't mind terribly. If he does mind, I can't say that I care much. But apparently, he'll be back for homecoming, so Father's going to try and set something up in the spare room (i.e. he's going to forget and I'll have to do it). _

_Well, to be honest, today could have been a lot worse. In fact, I was almost expecting it to be a lot worse. I'm sure Murphy's Law will kick in at some point, and then everything will crumble into its usual state of chaos. But until then, I suppose I have nothing more to write about for today. Auf wiedersehen!_

* * *

**Author's Note: So, you may be asking yourself, "is every single entry of this weird diary thing going to end with 'auf wiedersehen?'" Well… it might also end with 'Tschüssi.' If Mephisto feels like being cute.**

**In case you didn't get the German reference, Frau Weber calls Mepphy "Samiel," the Black Huntsman, who is essentially the devil in Carl Maria von Weber's opera ****Der Freischütz****. Wanna know why? Well, it's because when Mepphy first introduced himself as "Samael," I thought it was a Japanese spelling of "Samiel," and I had a nerd freakout moment. But, it turns out that Samael is actually something entirely different. *sadface***

**Also, I could have sworn I saw Mephisto watching 'Senyu' in one of the more recent scanlations. I don't know if it was actually Alba or not, but it made my day.**

**Anyhoo, if you see any 'Author's Notes' at the beginnings of chapters, that usually means I'm clarifying or apologizing for something I screwed up, so hopefully *fingers crossed* there won't be any more in the chapters to come.**


	3. So You Think You Can Cook

_Entry #3_

_This morning, we had a pretty normal breakfast, and a pretty normal ride to school, considering the two entirely new members of our morning routine. In fact, it seemed like Yukio and Rin had adjusted to everything relatively well. I was a bit sour because apparently Rin snores like a Yeti with a sinus infection, but that morning, the old man was silent, Astaroth was creepy, Amaimon was sucking on a lollipop, and Ass was being an ass; everything was as it should be. _

_Of course, the trouble started during lunch. Usually, we don't all sit together; if we did, I think the number of food-fights each year would skyrocket. So we do all eat lunch at different tables, but for some reason, our usual spots ended up all being in the same general area, anyway. Astaroth and Belphegor usually sit together, alone, at the corner table; the lingering stench of Astaroth's "hobby" generally prevents him from making friends, and Belph is just too lazy to try to find a seat at a crowded table. Asmodeus sits at the table to the left of theirs, and of course his is crowded with scantily-clad girls. Or boys. Mammon usually sits at the table in front of Asmodeus with his "contacts" from the FBLA club, where they can often be seen loudly discussing such things as whether it would be ethically wrong to guilt students' mothers into buying ten-dollar brownies. As for me, well... I, ah... I could sit anywhere I want to, really, but... Amaimon always looks so incredibly lonely that I feel obligated to sit with him. Yes, that's it; because I'm such a considerate big brother. Oh, but there's also this sophomore named Nemu who sometimes sits at our table… he's some kind of ventriloquist, apparently, but he almost never talks; when he does, it's through this pink bunny puppet he carries around, and whatever the puppet says is always rude or vulgar. Surprisingly, though, he's pretty good at sneaking cookies out of the cafeteria without paying, so I find him at least useful._

_I wasn't sure where Rin and Yukio would decide to seat themselves, only that wherever it was, they would be together. It's understandable, of course… the unfamiliar people and surroundings probably make them want to stick with each other. Hmm, the current psychological states of those two would make a fascinating case study… but I digress. _

_Since Asmodeus and Mammon's tables are always full, and I'm sure no one would ever want to sit next to Astaroth, the twins ultimately decided to join me for lunch. Yukio sat down next to me, and Rin ended up next to Amaimon, across from his twin. And that, of course, is when things started to go downhill._

* * *

Rin poked his food with a fork, grimacing. "What _is_ this stuff?"

Amaimon turned to him and tilted his head. "It's hot turkey sandwich," he said, then scooped up a sizable pile of turkey, bread, and gravy and shoveled it into his mouth. "Id's rully good…" he muttered with his mouth full.

Rin raised an eyebrow. "It looks like something vomited on my plate."

Mephisto chuckled ominously. "Oh, this? This is nothing. Just wait until they serve the Mystery Meatloaf…"

Amaimon swallowed, and grinned. "Last time, there was a prize in mine!"

Rin gaped.

Mephisto smirked. "Oh, and who could forget the Fried Chicken Parts?" He turned to Yukio. "They matched Nemu's puppet on the inside…"

"Hey, quit talking about me like that, asshole!" Nemu's puppet shouted indignantly.

Yukio smiled nervously, glancing at his hot turkey sandwich before slowly placing his fork down next to his plate.

Rin stared at his plate for a while, too. Mephisto thought for sure that he wasn't going to eat it; however, after a moment or two of deliberation, he shrugged and scooped some onto his fork. "Might as well try it, I guess," he said, and shoved the turkey into his mouth.

Everyone, except for Nemu, started clapping to applaud his courage. Rin chewed the food for a bit; his expression was unreadable. "This..." he muttered, swallowing, "...is pretty good, actually." He twirled his fork absentmindedly. "It's a little bland, though... could use some salt."

Amaimon turned to Mephisto. "See, Big Bro, Rin likes it too."

Mephisto sighed. "Right, but that doesn't mean I have to like it."

Yukio smirked slightly. "Rin will eat pretty much anything, so I wouldn't trust his judgment implicitly."

Rin huffed. "Okay, so it's true that I'll eat whatever, but I'm a pretty good cook too, you know." He grinned. "I can tell the difference between the good stuff and the bad stuff."

Mephisto raised an eyebrow. "A good cook, eh? Consider my interest piqued."

Amaimon turned to face Rin. "You can cook?" He took another bite of turkey-sandwich. "Mwilbb yoob coog fu ubs?"

Rin blinked. "What?"

Mephisto sighed. "Amaimon, remember what I told you about talking with your mouth full?"

Amaimon swallowed hastily. "Sorry." He turned to Rin. "Are you going to cook for us?"

Rin looked a little lost. "What do you mean?"

Amaimon shrugged. "Well, Father is a really bad cook; he burned yogurt once. Luc used to make dinner for us, but he's not here anymore, so Big Bro's been doing it recently…"

Mephisto folded his arms and huffed. "What are you implying, Amaimon? Don't you like my cooking?"

Amaimon's facial expression remained the same as ever, but he started to bite his thumbnail, a sign that he was nervous. "No, I… do, but…" He avoided looking Mephisto in the eye. "I think maybe it would be fun for Rin to cook us something for dinner…"

Mephisto blinked. _He… wants Rin to cook? Even though he's never even tasted anything cooked by Rin… Is my cooking really that bad?!_

Rin grinned. "Sure! I'd be more than happy to!" He took a swig of chocolate milk. "What do you want me to make? I should probably tell you, I'm not too familiar with American recipes..."

Amaimon mulled over the question for a moment or two. "Can you make us cupcakes?" he asked.

Mephisto folded his arms and glared. "We are NOT having cupcakes for dinner! I know you like sweets, but this is getting a little ridiculous!" He took a deep breath; why was he so upset?

Amaimon frowned slightly. "Well, then, I don't know."

Yukio folded his hands on the table and smiled. "Rin, why don't you make sukiyaki? That's one of your favorites, isn't it?"

Rin stroked his chin thoughtfully. "But do we have the stuff for sukiyaki?"

Amaimon blinked. "What's soo-kee-yah-kee?"

Rin grinned. "Only the best food in the world! It's basically thinly-sliced beef simmered with vegetables, soy sauce, and sugar, and you dip it in egg…" He was getting really into it.

Amaimon looked like he was in a trance. "Sugar…"

Rin scratched his head and turned to Mephisto. "Do you think we have enough stuff to make it? I haven't had the chance to really check out the refrigerator yet."

Mephisto briefly considered simply telling him the truth: no, there wasn't even anything close to any of the ingredients he'd mentioned anywhere in the house. Then Rin wouldn't be able to make his sukiyaki and Mephisto wouldn't lose any face in front of the others, simple as that. He opened his mouth to tell Rin 'no,' but paused. If he simply kept Rin from making this one dish, it wouldn't really solve the problem… he would eventually try to cook again. No, this affront to his personal pride had to be dealt with in a more permanent manner. Mephisto smirked as a plan began to take shape in his mind. "You know, I don't think we have any of that." He snapped his fingers. "But! I'm not busy after school today, if you'd like to go ingredient-shopping… I do have my license, after all, so I can drive you to the grocery store."

Rin grinned. "Wow, thanks! That'd be awesome!" He turned to Yukio. "Do you want to come?"

Yukio shook his head. "No, I've got quite a bit of homework for this afternoon already." He smiled sheepishly. "Besides, I don't really think I'd be of much help…"

Rin blinked. "Oh… yeah, okay. That's cool…" He looked a little disappointed.

Mephisto smirked. "Alright, then I guess it'll just be you and me." He raised an eyebrow. "Although I'm sure it wouldn't hurt you to follow your big brother's example and study a little, Rin."

Both Rin and Yukio turned on him simultaneously, eyes wide in shock. Mephisto blinked. "Hmm? Was it something I said?"

Rin grimaced. "I'M the older brother, not him! Why on earth would you think that?!"

Mephisto suddenly burst into a merciless stream of giggles. This was just too much. "Oh, pardon me-hee hee hee… I really thought you were… ha ha ha ha… the… ha ha… younger one… hee hee hee ha ha ha hee hee HA HA HA HA!"

Rin and Yukio exchanged glances; Rin looked extremely irked, while Yukio actually smiled, looking rather smug. Even Amaimon had a little bit of a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

Rin growled at Mephisto, who was still doubled-over laughing. "Hey, cut it out!" He narrowed his eyes. "Come on, it's not that funny…"

Mephisto slowly allowed his laughter to fizzle out, all the while watching Rin with a smirk. That layabout was trying to steal a piece, however small, of Mephisto's new-found glory as the oldest brother in the house, and thus the center of attention. He simply couldn't allow that to happen.

* * *

_And so, the wheels of my brilliant scheme were set into motion. As soon as we returned home from school, I asked the old man to borrow the pedo-van, and he grunted and handed over the keys with all of his usual charm. I told Rin that I'd foot the bill for the ingredients out of the boundless generosity of my heart, since he doesn't have any money... and even if he did, it wouldn't be in dollars. We then drove to the nearest grocery store and commenced Phase One of my master plan..._

* * *

Rin walked down the aisles, scanning the shelves. "Hey, Mephisto," he said, glancing over his shoulder. "Why exactly is this place called 'Piggly Wiggly?' A grocery store doesn't really have anything to do with pigs..."

Mephisto pushed the cart with one hand, and used the other to stroke an imaginary beard. "Good question... I'd imagine that the owners of the chain just wanted to give it a name that people would remember." He smirked. "I mean, really, it just rolls off your tongue; 'Piggly Wiggly.' Don't you think that's fun to say?"

Rin shrugged. "I... guess." Spotting something, he grabbed what looked like a bottle of soy sauce off the shelf and studied it, before eventually placing it in the cart. He then continued down the aisle, pulling out a list of ingredients and putting a check mark next to 'sauce.'

Mephisto watched him, smirking. The kid looked like he did this often; at that moment, he sort of reminded Mephisto of a stay-at-home mom. The mental image that thought produced (namely, Rin in an apron waving a soup ladle around) was enough to drive him into a short fit of giggles, and he had to cup a hand over his mouth to keep from disturbing other shoppers.

Rin turned around and stared at him. "What are you doing?" He looked kind of uncomfortable.

Mephisto took a deep breath to calm himself down, and shrugged. "Oh, you know... just having a little laugh..."

Rin raised an eyebrow. "...is there a reason?"

Mephisto didn't really feel like coming up with an excuse. "No, nothing in particular," he replied, smirking.

Rin sighed, turned to the right, and started heading towards the meat aisle. Mephisto followed him with the cart, stopping to grab a bag of Dum-Dums for Amaimon; he was almost out, and no one wanted to see him go through lollipop-withdrawal. It wasn't pleasant.

Rin's mouth practically watered as he surveyed the different types of beef. "They all look so good..." he gushed. "Which brand do you think is the best?"

Mephisto shrugged. "It doesn't really matter, does it?"

Rin narrowed his eyes. "C'mon, sukiyaki's only as good as the meat you use. I gotta get the right kind..."

Mephisto held his hands in the air. "You're the fancy chef, pick whatever you..." He suddenly saw something that caught his eye. "Ooh! Pocky!" He left the cart with a protesting Rin and dashed towards the front of the store. Planting himself in front of the shelf lined with pink, brown, and red rectangular boxes, he stroked his imaginary beard thoughtfully. "Hmm… which flavor should I get this week?" Glancing over his shoulder stealthily, he noticed Rin staring at him with a look of intense annoyance on his face. He smirked and turned back to the rows of Pocky boxes. "Well, I had chocolate last week, so perhaps I should try some strawberry…" He picked up a pink box and studied it. "How many are in one of these?" He glanced over his shoulder again just in time to see Rin swipe something off the shelf in what looked like frustration. He smirked. If Rin got confused and picked the wrong kind of beef, his plan would go even smoother… "Hmm, maybe I should get two," he said, and grabbed another box off the shelf. Satisfied, he made his way back to the meat section and tossed the Pocky boxes in the cart.

Rin glowered at him, but didn't say anything. Mephisto sighed. "Sorry for the slight distraction." He glanced at Rin's list. "What else do we need?"

Rin gave the list a once-over, and grinned. "I think we have everything, actually." He pumped his fist in the air. "This is gonna be the best sukiyaki EVER!"

Mephisto smirked darkly. _Not if I have anything to say about it…_

* * *

**Author's Note: Dun. Dun. DUUUN! And so it begins… it's really kind of impossible to write a Mepphy fic without including a 'master plan' of some sort, even though this first one may be rather lame, due to slight high school immaturity. They will get better (I think).**

**Okay, now let's play a little game… the way this game works is as follows. There is a tiny little chibi Amaimon that lives inside this fic; if you review, you're giving him a giant, rainbow lollipop. If you review each chapter, you're practically giving him a candy store, and he will love you forever. Sounds fun, right? Let's also pretend that Mephisto knows you are reading this, because this fic has a crap ton of Follows for only three chapters (thank you for that, by the way).**

***Ahem* Now that that's all settled… **

**School food. There will never be a better conversation-starter.**

**Also, this Piggly Wiggly must have the most messed-up aisle system in the world; I mean, they go from soy sauce to meat to Pocky in, like, a few feet. I actually don't live in an area that has Piggly Wigglies, but I would assume that at least one of them sells Pocky, since every grocery store I've ever gone into has had it somewhere.**


	4. Sukiyaki Saboteur

_Entry #3 (cont.)_

_So, having gathered all of the necessary ingredients, all that remained was for Rin to actually make his sukiyaki. Now it was time to move on to Phase Two of my plan: sabotage. A carton of eggs had been included among the sukiyaki-ingredients that we'd purchased, so during the drive home, I decided to implement the special driver's training I'd received from Father; namely, the fine and distinguished art of burning rubber around every single turn and going just the right speed to achieve temporary weightlessness over hills. This also includes not slowing down for railroad tracks, potholes, or squirrels. Of course, I had no way of knowing precisely how many eggs the jarring drive had broken, but even if they'd all managed to remain miraculously intact, Rin's shell-shocked expression more than made the whole exercise worth it._

_Once we arrived at the house, Rin had stumbled out of the van with the face of someone who is about to upheave the entire contents of his stomach. I took the opportunity to offer to carry the grocery bags, and as soon as we entered the house, I unpacked all of the ingredients onto the kitchen counter, deftly pocketing the bottle of soy sauce as I grabbed my Pocky and Amaimon's lollipops. I then wished Rin luck (ha!), left the Pocky in my room, and went down the hall to Amaimon's room to look for Behemoth. Strange name, I know, but that bulldog is HUGE. Technically he's a family pet, but he seems to hate everyone except Amaimon, so we all acknowledge that he's basically Amaimon's dog. _

_Amaimon smiled (which is his version of having a fit of ecstasy) when I brought him the Dum-Dums, so he was more than willing to let me lead Behemoth outside without asking any questions. I practically had to drag that dog by his collar, but it was worth it; after all, the best accomplice is always the one that can't implicate you. Once we reached the patio, I pulled out the bottle of soy sauce, took off the cap, and sat it on the ground. I then had to do quite a bit of maneuvering to make sure Behemoth knocked it over. As soon as he started lapping up the sauce and chewing on the bottle, I reentered the house as furtively as possible, taking off my shoes in order to avoid unwanted noise, and made my way over to the kitchen to check on Rin's progress…_

* * *

Mephisto sauntered into the kitchen, doing his best impression of someone that was definitely not sneaking around. Upon entering the room, however, his face broke out into a wide, devilish grin; in an extraordinary stroke of luck, the room was empty. Rin had most likely gone to the bathroom or been called away by someone, and the frying pan full of vegetables that he'd left sitting on the counter was simply_ begging_ to be tampered with.

Mephisto chuckled silently and padded over towards the counter. There was also a small bowl with something he couldn't readily identify in it, but the frying pan was definitely more tempting. He studied the pan of ingredients, briefly torn on what he wanted to do to them. Ultimately, he settled on opening one of the kitchen cabinets, retrieving a bottle of vanilla extract, and pouring it all over the unsuspecting vegetables. He also added a couple of dashes of cinnamon, a little bit of Asmodeus' unfinished iced coffee, and a probably-non-toxic amount of liquid hand soap. The mixture looked obviously disgusting, so he grabbed one of the spoons Rin had apparently already used and stirred it around a bit; the liquids he'd added were close enough to transparent to vanish, and the cinnamon dispersed into tiny flecks of brown that no one would notice unless he was looking for them.

Mephisto grinned; so far, everything was going splendidly. He allowed himself the pleasure of opening the egg carton to see how much damage his driving had done; it looked like only three of the eggs had made it through unscathed. He was just closing the carton, when suddenly…

"What are you doing?"

Mephisto recognized Rin's voice and turned around slowly, looking contrite. "Oh, I'm sorry…" He scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "Father's the one who taught me how to drive, so I'm afraid I can be a bit of a maniac at times." He glanced at the egg carton. "I felt so bad about how I handled the drive home, so I wanted to make sure the eggs were alright." He held a hand over his heart in a mock swoon. "But alas, it looks as though most of them didn't make it…"

Rin frowned. "Yeah, I know." He shrugged and smiled a bit. "Luckily, though, I think I can still make it work with three eggs. Plus, there's one or two that only cracked a little bit, so they'll be okay to use, too."

Mephisto smiled in 'relief.' "Oh, good… I was worried that we wouldn't get enjoy your sukiyaki…" Inwardly, he was a tad disappointed. He'd thought for sure that three eggs wouldn't be enough for all nine of them, but Rin seemed like the type to work with what he had.

Rin grabbed a package of beef and started to open it with a pair of scissors, grinning. "Hey, I promised to make this, didn't I? There's no way a couple of cracked eggs is gonna make me give up."

Mephisto smiled wryly. _Still persistent, eh?_ It would seem he needed to step up his efforts a bit. Of course, it was only a matter of time until Rin discovered that the soy sauce was missing, but Mephisto thought it best to be thorough in all things, sabotage included. He would have to be careful from now on, though… since Rin had caught him in the kitchen, it wouldn't be good for too many things to go wrong when he was present.

Mephisto left the kitchen and headed back down the hall towards Amaimon's room. Perhaps it was time to enlist the help of an accomplice that was slightly smarter than the dog…

* * *

Amaimon blinked at him, dull eyes uncomprehending. "What do you want me to do?"

Mephisto sighed; he was getting a little impatient. "Look, it's not that difficult to understand, is it?"

Amaimon shook his head slowly. "But why do I have to knock Rin's stuff on the floor?"

Mephisto turned his gaze away from Amaimon with a worried look. Time to put his acting skills to use. "Well, earlier this morning, I saw Astaroth mixing… _things_ in one of the bowls. It smelled like chemicals, and I didn't think much of it at the time, but…" He turned back to face his younger brother, expression grave. "I don't think anybody washed it. And now Rin's using it to cook… I just don't want anyone to get food poisoning, or worse!" He folded his arms, hugging them against himself. "But Rin just seemed so excited, I couldn't bear to tell him. That's why we have to get rid of the stuff in that bowl, and make it look like an accident." He turned on his finest puppy-eyes. "You understand, don't you?"

Amaimon's expression was as blank as ever, but his eyebrows crinkled together slightly. "Yeah…" He unwrapped a lollipop and stuck it in his mouth. "I'll help you, Big Bro."

Mephisto nodded solemnly, but inside he was grinning fiendishly._ Like putty in my hands…_ He stood up, reaching out a hand to pull Amaimon to his feet. "Now remember, you have to act like you accidentally bumped into him," he said, looking Amaimon straight in the eye to make sure he followed the instructions. "And whatever you do, don't tell him about what Astaroth put in the bowl… it might scare him."

Amaimon nodded, twirling the lollipop around in his mouth. Together, he and Mephisto stepped out into the hall, Mephisto sliding warily along the wall in order to keep out of sight of the kitchen. Amaimon stopped at the end of the hall, glancing back at Mephisto as if unsure of what to do. Mephisto motioned brusquely towards the kitchen with his hand, frowning in impatience.

Amaimon seemed to take the hint, as he left the hallway and headed into the kitchen; from his position, Mephisto couldn't see what was going on, so he closed his eyes and listened. Sure enough, in a couple of seconds, there was a loud thud, followed by a yelp and the sound of something crashing gloriously to the ground. Mephisto grinned. _Ah, such sweet music…_

Rin was shouting, almost incoherently; Mephisto could barely make out Amaimon's dull and insincere-sounding apology. Although he'd been reluctant at first, Amaimon was probably enjoying the excitement of their little trick. Mephisto smirked. Even though his kid brother's default temperament seemed to be "bored," it really didn't take much to amuse him.

After a moment or two of continued shouting from Rin, Amaimon hurried back into the hall, looking slightly crestfallen. Mephisto raised an eyebrow. "Didn't it work?"

Amaimon blinked. "No, it did, I just…" He stared at the ground, looking immensely disappointed. "My lollipop fell out of my mouth and got stuck in Rin's hair…"

It took a second or two for that statement to sink in; once it did, it took literally every ounce of whatever limited self-control that Mephisto possessed to keep from dissolving into wracking sobs of laughter right there in the hallway. As it was, he had to retreat swiftly into his own room and close the door before allowing himself to roll around cackling like a maniac. He wasn't even sure how long he laughed, only that he'd barely begun to regain control of himself when he heard Amaimon's muffled voice coming from the kitchen.

"Aw, Behemoth… that's Rin's soy sauce!"

The guttural wail of pure misery that followed immediately after that statement had Mephisto doubled over, laughing so hard he was practically crying. Oh, this had to be the best prank he'd EVER pulled off…

* * *

Rin wiped his forehead with the back of his hand, beaming tiredly. "I have had the freaking worst luck in the world for the past hour or so, but it was WORTH IT." He gestured to the large pan in the middle of the table with a bit of a flourish. "Dinner is frickin' SERVED." He then collapsed into his chair with an exaggerated sigh of exhaustion.

Amaimon eyed the finished sukiyaki with wide eyes. "Woww… it looks really good…"

Mammon snorted. "It'd better be, considering all the effort and resources that went into making that. Why anyone would work themselves so hard over food is beyond me."

Yukio smiled. "Don't worry, it's definitely worth the effort. Rin's sukiyaki was practically the best in our whole neighborhood back home."

Rin scratched his head nervously. "Yeah, well, so many weird things went wrong today, I can only hope it tastes alright…" He folded his arms angrily; this was evidently still quite the heated subject. "First, that clown over there was driving so badly that all the eggs broke except three. Then, I get tackled out of nowhere and all the meat ends up on the floor, and I wind up with a lollipop IN MY HAIR. So I had to cut that out with frickin' scissors…" He shot a glare at Amaimon. Apparently, the two of them were no longer on good terms. Rin cleared his throat. "And then, I look outside and the dog is rolling around in my soy sauce! And as if that weren't enough, somehow the stove turned off by itself while I was in the bathroom, and I had to reheat everything!" He snarled. "And don't even get me started on whoever was blasting that stupid classical music…"

Mephisto smirked. _What, you don't like Franz Liszt at 120 decibels?_

Asmodeus eyed the food hungrily, licking his lips. "Well, I can't wait to taste the results of your suffering…"

Mephisto grinned wickedly. "Indeed ~ !" He reached across the table and scooped some of the sukiyaki onto his plate. "Well, dig in!"

Mephisto watched everyone else at the table fill their plates with the dish; the tabloid showcasing Bigfoot's latest escapades through the exotic wilds of Canada was temporarily folded up and tossed onto the kitchen counter as the old man served himself a heap of the stuff. Even Belphegor was apparently sufficiently interested to crack open an eye and reach for the food. Mephisto felt himself smirking. After this, they were all going to BEG him for his instant ramen…

Astaroth took a huge bite of sukiyaki, and his eyes widened. "Oh my god…" He turned to Rin, eyebrows raised so high that his piercings were practically covered by his hair. "This is… AMAZING!"

Mephisto blinked. _Come again?!_

Mammon took a bite, and in an instant, his eyes were just as wide as Astaroth's. "Woah… I hate to admit it, but this was definitely worth the effort…" he muttered in amazement. He turned to Rin. "How on earth did you do it?!"

Mephisto felt a certain tightness beginning to form in his chest. How could this be happening?! How could that sukiyaki possibly taste GOOD, after all the… stuff… he'd put in it?! There was HAND SOAP in there, for Göthe's sake! And yet...

Asmodeus was chewing with his eyes closed, shuddering a little and moaning. Amaimon was already more than three-quarters of the way through his first plateful, and… even the old man had a certain glint in his eye…

Rin positively beamed. "Ha ha, I'm glad you like it!" Although, to be honest, he looked a little bit more than glad. Ecstatic might be a better word for it.

Yukio smiled warmly. "I told you, Rin's sukiyaki is the best."

Mephisto hid behind an insincere smirk, but he could feel his fists clench with rage and frustration._ There's no way Rin could have possibly bested me so easily… the rest of them must be mad…_ He picked up his fork and scooped up a little piece of the sukiyaki. He then hesitantly lifted it to his mouth…

Mephisto's eyes widened slightly. It _was_ good… inexplicably good. Nothing short of an honest-to-goodness miracle could have crafted such mind-numbing deliciousness out of the disaster he'd wreaked on Rin's cooking process. He found himself staring at Rin, unable to quell the flood of terrible frustration rising up inside of him._ Fine; you may have won today, but I will have retribution for this insult…_ He smirked. They were officially rivals now.

* * *

_And so, my attempts at sabotaging Rin's cooking may have gone horribly awry, but I'm not going to let that deter me in the slightest. I have a score to settle with him now, and I never rest until I get my sweet revenge…_

_At any rate, it would appear that I will have to be more careful in planning my next endeavour, whatever that may be. Although, to be honest, talking at length about this subject is making me want to toss my computer out a window, so I suppose I'll just end it here. Wiedersehen... tch._

* * *

**Author's Note: Franz Liszt actually wrote four pieces entitled the Mephisto Waltzes... I'd imagine the one in this chapter is the third. It's full of adorably frivolous trills and embellishments, all atop a subtle fiendish dissonance; just like our King of Time and Space, ja?**

**Of course Behemoth is a bulldog. That was the closest ordinary household pet I could think of. Plus, bulldogs are big and slobbery and cute.**

**So, Mephisto is a subconsciously good cook? O_o**

**Also, thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. Chibi-Amaimon is grateful. He's still hungry, though... so please feed him more reviews!**


	5. The Wager

_Entry #4_

_After four straight years of constant pestering, I've finally managed to convince the head of our drama department to choose Göthe's __Faust__ (Part I) as this semester's play. Obviously, Part II would be too complicated and convoluted for any high school to pull off (as the saying goes, "do not go to the library to read Faust II without necessity"), but we're going to unceremoniously tack the finale onto the end of Part I for some closure. On the off chance that it isn't apparent to you by this point, I am extremely excited about this. In fact, I believe that the only way I could possibly be happier right now is if someone were to tell me that we were going to perform the Black Butler musical in the spring. _

_I consider myself a rather talented actor; I've gotten the lead in every play or musical since sophomore year, so it would not be an exaggeration to say that the auditorium is my domain during play season. If Amaimon's bored enough he'll audition, but his lack of visible emotion really only makes him useful as an extra. Other than him, however, none of my other brothers have ever gone anywhere near the drama department, and I, of course, never particularly wanted them to. Performing is my THING. It would be futile for anyone else to even think of infringing upon my area of expertise._

_So you can surely imagine my surprise when today, after the audition sign-up sheets were posted before the end of the day, I suddenly found myself face-to-face with none other than Rin._

* * *

Rin folded his arms. "Hey, Mephisto, I gotta talk to you about something…" He didn't sound particularly amused.

Mephisto faced the sign-up sheets posted on the auditorium doors, not even bothering to turn around. "My, my, _someone_ doesn't seem especially chipper today." He rummaged around in his pocket for a pen, looking for an open slot. "Don't tell me you're upset because no one woke you up?"

Rin huffed. "That's not what I had in mind, exactly, but I am upset! I share a room with you AND Yukio, you'd think at least one of you would've had the decency to shake me or something before you started warming up the pedo-van!"

Mephisto let out a single "ha!" and wrote his name inside the 4:30 slot with a flourish. "We did shake you; six times, if I remember correctly. We even waved one of Astaroth's rotting fungi in front of your face, but no dice. You're almost worse than Belph." He turned to face Rin and smirked. "You should be thanking me for keeping Asmodeus from Sharpie-ing your face. It might not have been appropriate for school..."

Rin shuddered once, then placed his hands on his hips and glared. "Look, I don't have any proof or anything, but I just know that you had something to do with all that freaky crap that happened to me yesterday."

Mephisto held a hand over his heart, gasping in feigned innocent shock. "Me? Why on earth would I do something like that?"

Rin growled. "I have no idea! But I know it was you! I can feel it!"

Mephisto chuckled darkly. "Feeling is hardly sufficient for any kind of accusation. What, pray tell, was my _mens rea_? Furthermore, do you even have any proof of _actus reus_?"

"You're just using Latin to confuse me!" Rin yelled, stomping his foot.

Mephisto shrugged, smirking. "Come now, what's all this fuss about? I mean, really." He narrowed his eyes. "Everyone _loved_ your sukiyaki. So why are you upset, hmm?"

Rin folded his arms. "I had a freaking lollipop in my hair, of course I'm upset!"

Mephisto raised an eyebrow. "But Amaimon's clearly responsible for that, not me…"

Rin narrowed his eyes. "Oh, trust me, he's not off the hook, either." He sighed. "Just what did I even do to you, anyway?! Heck, I tried to be nice, even though you creep me out!"

Mephisto blinked. "Well, you're certainly up-front about it…" His eyebrows scrunched together. "Out of curiosity, why exactly do you think I'm creepy?"

Rin's eyes widened slightly. "Seriously?! Come on, you dress like a frickin' clown! And your laugh is scary… it's like you just got done microwaving a puppy or something." He raised an eyebrow. "Are you seriously not aware of this?!"

Mephisto felt his right eye twitch a little. He wasn't offended, exactly, but… "Alright, you're a good cook, I'll give you that," he said, making circles in the air with his pen. "But I can guarantee you that I'm better at everything else. You couldn't even wake yourself up this morning!" He folded his arms and smirked. "Ergo, you have no right to call me creepy."

"Hey, who says you're better at everything?!" Rin yelled, looking indignant. "We've only known each other for two days!"

"_Cogito ergo sum melior_, my uncultured brother," Mephisto retorted, then shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. "But if you want to dispute that claim, be my guest." He gasped happily and snapped his fingers as an idea came to him. "Oh, I know!" He grinned mischievously. "How about a friendly wager?"

Rin raised an eyebrow suspiciously. "What do you mean?"

Mephisto gestured towards the sign-up sheet. "Why don't we move the playing field to my turf?" He smirked. "The play this year is Johann Wolfgang von Göthe's Faust. It's classic literature, and insanely difficult to understand, much less perform."

Rin folded his arms. "Okay, so where's the bet?"

Mephisto pointed his pen at Rin. "I'll wager that you wouldn't be able to secure a speaking part if you auditioned." He placed his hands on his hips. "And by 'speaking part,' I mean one with more than a full page of lines."

Rin looked like he might seriously consider it. "What do I get if I win?"

Mephisto stroked his chin thoughtfully. "Hmm… well, you can name your own terms. But as for me…" He smirked. "If I win, you have to publicly acknowledge my superiority." He paused for a moment. "And take back what you said about my fashion sense."

Rin grinned. "Alright. And if I win…" He scratched his head, then smirked. "You have to do my English homework for a month." There was a strange glint in his eye. "And wear a dark-colored hoodie to school for a whole day."

Mephisto gagged. "Now that's hardly fair!"

Rin shrugged. "Hey, your 'terms' had two parts, why can't mine?" He smirked. "Or would it really kill you to dress like a normal person?"

Mephisto frowned. Rin's demands were frightening, indeed… however, Mephisto felt confident that he would win. Göthe was roughly the equivalent of a German Shakespeare, and Rin could barely put two and two together to equal four. He smirked and held out his hand. "Then we have a wager!"

Rin shook his hand. "Right… can I borrow your pen, then?"

Mephisto reluctantly handed over his pen, and Rin promptly signed up for the slot directly after his.

Rin handed the pen back, and smirked. "Just you wait, I'm gonna beat you at your own game!" He turned and started walking down the hall. "Later…"

As Rin turned the corner, Amaimon turned that same corner in the direction of the auditorium, and the two nearly bumped into each other. Mephisto spotted Rin shooting a death-glare at Amaimon, who, for his part, scrunched his eyebrows together slightly in what was (for him) a massive show of annoyance. He then brushed past Rin and made his way over to Mephisto. "Hey Big Bro," he said, glancing at the sign-up sheet. "What's the play this time?"

Mephisto raised an eyebrow. "Faust. Don't tell me you're thinking about auditioning?"

Amaimon shrugged. "I'm bored again. You said if I was bored, I should get involved in something." He scanned the list with a blank stare. "Besides, I got in last year."

Mephisto sighed and handed him his pen. "Alright, but I should warn you, this play is very difficult. You might get bored at rehearsals…"

Amaimon signed his name in the slot underneath Rin's. "I don't think Rin likes me anymore," he said suddenly. "He got really mad about the lollipop."

Mephisto snorted. "Don't pay any attention to him, Amaimon. He obviously doesn't know how to let things go."

Amaimon handed the pen back to Mephisto and stared at him blankly. "Well, at least Yukio's nice," he said, running his tongue along his upper lip.

Mephisto sighed. Amaimon wasn't allowed to suck on lollipops, or even any candy at all, during school, so he was always a little strange by the end of the day. "I suppose you're right about that," he said. "Although Yukio's so studious that sometimes I forget he's even there."

Suddenly, the clanging of the bell rang through the hallways, and students started piling out of classrooms and heading for the doors. Mephisto nudged Amaimon down the hallway towards the parking lot. "Come on, hurry up a little," he muttered, darting through the crowds. "You know how annoyed the old man gets when he has to wait around for us…"

Amaimon blinked. "Maybe Rin won't get to the pedo-van in time?"

Mephisto chuckled. "Now that I would love to see."

* * *

_After the confrontation at the auditorium, the old man drove us all home. I've been asking him to let me drive to and from school (because at least I can follow the rules of the road when I want to), but he apparently needs the pedo-van to get to his "job." I use quotation marks because no one knows what this "job" is, or if it's even a "job." Father has never told us anything about what it is that he does, so it's up to our imaginations. The accepted theory for this year is that he's some kind of mob boss, which, all things considered, is more realistic than the year we told everyone he was a secret agent astronaut._

_That aside, once we returned home, I retreated to my room to do my homework and practice lines for the audition. Yukio had quite a bit of work to do, as well, so we had a sort of informal study party. Rin, of course, wouldn't be caught dead actually doing his homework, so he told Yukio he was going for a walk and left the house._

_Naturally, there's nothing interesting in that. No, the interesting thing was that he didn't come home alone..._

* * *

Mephisto turned up his nose in disgust. "What is that?!"

Rin appeared to be too excited to let Mephisto's disdain rile him. "What do you mean, 'what is that?!' It's a cat!" He set the animal in question down on the floor, and it immediately started purring and rubbing against his leg. Rin grinned. "I found him when I was walking home."

Mephisto glared at the cat; it had sleek black fur with a patch of white on its stomach, and it didn't look very clean. "I know it's a cat, but why on earth would you bring some dirty stray into the house?! It might be feral!"

Mammon tore himself away from balancing his bank accounts to inspect the cat. "It's okay as long as it's not foaming at the mouth, right?"

Yukio entered the living room, shaking his head. "No, it could have diseases other than rabies." He folded his arms and glared at Rin. "Please take that back outside and wash your hands."

Rin hugged the cat protectively and glowered up at Yukio. "Hey, what are you, my mom?! Kuro's not gonna make anybody sick!" The cat meowed happily as if agreeing with him.

Mephisto grimaced. "You named it already?!"

Rin nodded. "Well, yeah…" He started to pet the cat's head affectionately. "If I'm gonna keep him, he has to have a name."

Yukio's eyes widened slightly. "Rin, you can't keep him! We don't know anything about that cat!"

Mephisto huffed. "Hey, I'm the oldest in the house; it's my job to decide if he can keep it." He then turned to back Rin. "You're not keeping it."

Rin stood up, holding Kuro in his arms. "Fine… I guess I don't have a choice…" He then strode into the dining room, where Satan sat behind a tabloid with Godzilla on the cover. Rin cleared his throat. "Can I keep this cat?"

The tabloid didn't even move. "Yeah, sure."

Rin then strode back into the living room, grinning triumphantly. "Well, it looks like Kuro is staying…"

Mephisto felt his eye twitch slightly. "Why you… you little usurper!" He folded his arms and sighed heavily. "Fine, but you're going to take that thing to the vet and get it cleaned up, declawed, neutered, and whatever else on your own. There's no way I'm going near that thing, much less paying for it."

Rin pouted. "Aww, come on, that's not fair! You know I don't have any money!"

Yukio sighed. "Nii-san… I'll help you pay for it, as long as you promise to take care of it on your own."

Mammon snickered. "Don't worry, I'll help out too…" He smirked at Mephisto. "If 'Kuro' can annoy that clown so easily, I'd definitely consider it a smart investment."

Mephisto glowered at him. "Glad to see you're being so generous today…" He shrugged and covered up his displeasure with a smirk. "Fine, the cat can stay. But if it so much as rubs against any of my stuff, Astaroth is going to have a new specimen to dissect."

The cat hissed at him as if it'd understood the threat. Mephisto smirked wickedly right back at it._ I meant what I said, you little ball of grime…_

Suddenly, Behemoth barreled into the living room, followed closely by a slightly dazed-looking Amaimon. "Hey, what are you doing?" he muttered, trying in vain to catch the giant bulldog by the collar. Behemoth paid him no heed, and instead lunged towards the cat, barking furiously.

Kuro, for his part, hissed and jumped out of Rin's arms. Rin tried to grab hold of the cat, but it was too late. The animals were now chasing each other around the room, pursued by frantic owners who kept tripping over other people's feet and bumping into each other. Mephisto beat a hasty retreat to his room, whereupon he flopped onto the bed and rubbed his temples. Suddenly he understood why Lucifer had been so eager to go to college.

* * *

_And so, I now have to put up with constant mewling not only from Rin, but from the cat as well. The former tried to give the latter a bath, but the disgusting furball wasn't too keen on that. At least I got a good chuckle out of watching the struggle that ensued… let's just say that Yukio is currently bandaging up scratches._

_Amaimon isn't too happy with the cat, either; trying to calm Behemoth down caused him to bite his tongue pretty hard after nearly choking on a Gobstopper, so now he's in a huff. It seems like he and Rin are becoming enemies purely by chance, which is certainly interesting to watch. I might be able to use that to my advantage at a later date… but I digress._

_Now I suppose I should wrap this entry up; I do have other, more academically-enriching homework to finish, after all. Like my German presentation. That is due tomorrow._

_...which I forgot about. _

…_._

_Verdammt! Was für ein… ach, das ist echt furchtbar! Mist!_

_Ahem. Ah, well, now I suppose I know how I'll be spending the rest of the evening. It's a good thing I'm used to only getting one hour of sleep… Wiedersehen._

* * *

**Author's Note: Mephisto only swears auf Deutsch. **

**Yes, the play is Faust. No, I'm not particularly creative. I just couldn't stop myself. Guess which role Mepphy's gonna get? *smiles retardedly***

**I'm trying to figure out where Lucifer goes to college, because he's going to show up in this fic sooner or later. Of course, it would be really easy to say he goes to my university, but I'd feel lame if I did that. Do you guys have any suggestions?**

**Speaking of suggestions, I'm trying to give Satan a different tabloid story every time he appears. What weird and wacky things would you guys like to see on the next one? XD**

**And now for some Latin explanations:**

**Mens rea and actus reus are both legal jargon; the prosecution in a criminal case needs to prove that the defendant had criminal intent (mens rea), and that he or she actually committed the crime (actus reus). **

**Cogito ergo sum is Descartes' famous "I think, therefore I am" quote. Mephisto's rendition goes: "I think, therefore I am better (than you)."**


	6. Everybody Hates Mephisto

_Entry #5_

_Well, today I had to give the German presentation I alluded to in yesterday's entry. Ordinarily, I'm not opposed to the idea of presentations; in fact, I usually enjoy them. However... tut mir leid, but I just can't bring myself to acknowledge the economics of the German railway system as something even remotely interesting. This is most likely the reason that I, in an uncharacteristic slip, forgot all about it. _

_Luckily, however, the presentation this time only required the memorization of certain facts and the ability to explain them in German, which of course presented no difficulty. The hard part was figuring out a way to be creative about it. No one wants to listen to someone talk at them in another language for ten minutes. Ultimately, I decided to spice things up by pulling graphs and charts out of thin air (since, for some reason, I'm not allowed to bring my top-hat into school)._

_The ignorant masses usually love magic tricks. That's why I perform them, after all. People want to be left astounded, wondering 'how on earth did he do that?' And, of course, I always give them what they want. _

_So, I was a bit miffed when, during my presentation, this girl in the back started yawning really loudly. It was obvious she was doing it purposefully; no one has ever actually been bored during one of my presentations. She looked like a rebel, with two-tone red and blonde dyed hair, clothes just scraping past the limits of the school dress code, and the detached smirk of a girl who just doesn't give a crap. I don't think I've had any classes with her before, so the only thing I really knew about her is that her German name is 'Sabine.' As a side note, mine is and will apparently forever be 'Samiel;' Frau Weber did not even allow me a choice in the matter. _

_At any rate, I was more than a bit displeased with this girl. I cannot abide rude behavior, especially when it is directed towards me. I'd made up my mind to confront her about it at some point, but she'd disappeared as soon as class ended. _

_As it so happened, I was walking by the auditorium to see if anyone else I knew had signed up, when I spotted that obnoxious red and blonde hair standing in front of the sign-up sheets..._

* * *

Mephisto approached the girl casually, trying to think of a way to get her attention without using her name. However, that ultimately proved unnecessary, as the girl must have sensed him coming and whirled around. Upon seeing him, she smirked. "Hey, you're that Samiel kid, aren'tcha?"

Mephisto folded his arms indignantly. "Please, DO NOT call me that. I prefer 'Mephisto'..." He smirked. "...Ms. Sabine."

The girl rolled her eyes. No one likes to be called by their German name outside of class. "Fine, Mephisto." She folded her arms. "My name's Shura, okay? Now what do you want?"

Mephisto was, frankly, unprepared for the way her already extremely visible cleavage became more pronounced when supported by her arms. He blinked once, then hastily refocused his gaze on the girl's strangely reddish-purple eyes and tried to remember the clever jibe he'd had in mind. "Ah... it's quite rude to disrupt others' presentations, you know," he said with a smirk, having regained his composure.

Shura snorted. "Geez, you really are a dork. You followed me all the way down here just to tell me that?" She smirked. "And for your information, it's rude to look at people's boobs, too." She didn't seem particularly offended, though.

Mephisto huffed. "I certainly didn't follow you; I came to check the sign-up sheets. You simply happened to be here."

Shura raised an eyebrow. "You came to check the sign-up sheets? That's the lamest excuse I've ever heard, and I've heard a lot."

Mephisto glared at her. "It's not an excuse!" Why was it that whenever he actually told the truth, no one believed him? He smirked at her, deciding to take a slightly different tack. "The question is, what are you doing here? Planning on vandalizing the auditorium?"

Shura shrugged, smirking. "Maybe. But first..." She gestured towards the sign-up sheets. "I'm gonna get into the play."

Mephisto raised an eyebrow. "Awfully confident, aren't we? I've never seen you in any previous productions..."

Shura stifled a laugh. "You are such a nerd. No, I transferred here for my senior year." She smirked. "I figured I might as well do something stupid, since nobody knows me at this school."

Mephisto blinked. "Stupid?!" He tsked and wagged his finger as condescendingly as possible. "The thespian arts are rooted in sacred practices of worship dating back to the ancient Greeks! The theatre is a holy sanctum, and blaspheming punks like you ought not even be allowed inside."

Shura scratched the inside of her ear with her pinky finger. "What's this about lesbian arts?"

Mephisto sighed. He knew a lost cause when he saw one. "Well, I wish you luck," he said, voice dripping with sarcasm.

Shura smirked at him. "Yeah, good luck to you, too, ya dweeb." And with that, she turned her back and strode off, her obnoxious hair bouncing with each step.

* * *

_After my unfortunate encounter with Shura the Punk, I had to go to Anatomy and Physiology, which, coincidentally, is my least favorite class. The fact that Astaroth's in it as well doesn't make it any more fun. Although, we certainly did have a very interesting, if slightly disturbing, conversation..._

* * *

Mr. Neuhaus stood at the front of the class and folded his arms. "Today you are going to be performing a dissection. Everyone find a partner, and go to one of the lab tables."

The science classroom erupted into chaos as the students scrambled to claim their partners and snag the least retarded-looking pair of goggles from the cabinet. Mephisto carefully navigated the crowds to meet up with Astaroth, who was tying his lab apron. Mephisto cleared his throat. "Hello there... do you have a partner yet?"

Astaroth raised an eyebrow. "I'm hoping that there'll be an odd number today so I can work by myself. It's more... intimate that way." He slid a pair of goggles over his head. "Besides, you don't usually want to work with me."

Mephisto shrugged. "The way I see it, you'd be more than happy to do the whole thing yourself, right? And there is no way I'm touching dead cat, so it's mutually beneficial."

Astaroth shrugged. "Okay, sure." He headed towards the lab table in the back corner of the room. "If you don't want to dissect anything, why didn't you just fill out that waiver they handed out on the first day?"

Mephisto huffed. "Only vegetarian girls fill out that waiver." He gingerly pulled a pair of goggles over his head. "Mr. Neuhaus abhors 'pansies.' Besides, can you imagine the old man's face if I asked him to sign something like that?"

Astaroth picked up a scalpel and started twirling it around. "Speaking of the old man..." He held the cat's body against the table surface with splayed fingers and made a long, smooth cut across its lower belly. "Do you think he really..."

Mephisto raised an eyebrow, arms folded. "Astaroth, please, you're not the type to mince words."

Astaroth gingerly pried open the skin and pinned it back. "The old man probably killed Rin and Yukio's foster-dad." He seemed a little hesitant - who wouldn't be? - but they all at least pretended to be used to their father's psychotic tendencies, mostly because none of them even remembered the likely victims anymore. Seeing Rin's raw emotion had made it a little more... serious. Astaroth poked something inside the cat with a probe. "Do you remember that 'business trip' he went on about three weeks ago? That was the same time that Fuji-what's-his-name died."

Mephisto snorted, fixing his gaze on a rack of test tubes in order to avoid catching a glimpse of the cat-innards. "Congratulations, Sherlock, you've solved the case!" He covered his nose and mouth with a hand as the formaldehyde smell wafted over into his breathing space. "But really, what does that mean for you and me? Japanese authorities are never going to try to expedite a man based on a convenient coincidence."

Astaroth shrugged. "Well, when you put it that way, I guess nothing's really changed." He bent forward to give something inside the cat a closer look. "Rin seemed pretty upset, though. Do you think he'll get over it? You're the one who does that philosophy stuff…"

Mephisto huffed. "Do you even know what you're saying? If I wanted to study Rin's mental state, I'd use psychology, not philosophy! They're two completely different things." Though he'd dodged the question, he was actually curious about how Rin would continue to cope with Fujimoto's death. So far, he didn't seem to be showing any outward signs of grief other than his outburst at the airport, but it was entirely possible that he was bottling up his emotions. Mephisto found himself smirking a little._ I wonder how Rin would react if I told him…?_

Astaroth shrugged dismissively, then reached for the scalpel. "So, uh, you're good with filling out the papers for this, right?"

Mephisto sighed. "Of course… it wouldn't be sanitary for you to touch our lab report with your cat-intestinal-fluid-stained fingers."

Astaroth chuckled darkly. "It's good you're not doing this part yourself, then… I haven't even gotten to the bowels yet. Still working on the reproductive organs." He glanced up at Mephisto. "This one's a female, by the way. What do you think we should name her? Personally, I think she looks like a 'Cheyenne.'"

Mephisto had to close his eyes and cover his mouth; he felt a sudden and compelling urge to vomit.

* * *

_Needless to say, the rest of that class was hell on earth. Honestly, I've almost never felt more disgusted in my life. At least now I understand why no one ever wants to work with Astaroth._

_Of course, my day didn't get any better after that. As soon as we got home, Rin started pestering me to drive him to the vet's so he could get "Kuro" cleaned up. Of course the old man was "busy," and no one else has a license yet (because Astaroth, Asmodeus, and Belphegor are all apparently lazy, dependant slobs). So, instead of practicing for my audition or catching up on the scanlations of Shingeki no Kyojin, I was stuck playing mom-taxi for my baby brother and his infernal cat. I swear, the thing would not shut up the whole ride, mewling and carrying on like it was about to die or something. Of course, the more frustrated I became with its noise, the less I paid attention to the road, and the louder and more frantically it started whining, so it was a bit of a vicious circle. By the time we reached the vet, Rin was whining, too, so I told him I would wait in the van and kicked him out._

_It was even worse on the ride home; apparently, the cat hadn't appreciated the visit. So, understandably, my nerves were rather frayed by the time we arrived back at the house. When dinnertime rolled around, I'd managed to regain my patience; but of course, I couldn't have known that my day was about to get much worse._

* * *

Satan adjusted his grip on the tabloid he was reading; today, the article on the cover was about some sort of giant, underwater alien Tetris game off the coast of Japan. Mephisto was actually considering asking to read it later, when suddenly, the old man spoke. "So, Rin, Yukio… are you getting along with your brothers?"

Rin and Yukio exchanged glances; they both seemed relatively unsure how to respond. Yukio ultimately ended up taking the initiative, responding with a quiet smile. "Yes; everyone's been very helpful." And it was true, in a way. Yukio seemed to have that certain quality that made everyone in the house like him without quite knowing why.

Rin only snorted, glaring at Mephisto and Amaimon. "Yeah, most of them…"

Satan nodded from behind the tabloid. "That's good, because you're going to meet the oldest one soon."

Mephisto's eyes widened. "WHAT?!" He glared at the tabloid, trying to burn holes in it with his gaze. "You said he wouldn't be coming back until homecoming!"

Satan angled the tabloid downwards in order to smirk wickedly at his son. "Yeah, well, I LIED. Get used to it." He glanced at Rin and Yukio. "Lucifer called and told me how excited he is to meet his new baby brothers."

Rin tilted his head slightly and glanced at Mephisto. "Hey, didn't you say _you_ were the oldest?"

Mephisto stared down at his plate. "I never said that…"

Satan raised an eyebrow at Mephisto. "Didn't you tell them about Luc?" he demanded reproachfully.

It took all of Mephisto's willpower to keep from snapping. "Why should I? You brag about him enough…" he muttered.

Satan pretended he hadn't heard and turned back to the twins. "Don't listen to a word Samael says, alright? Lucifer is my eldest son, and he's away studying political science at Harvard." He grinned. "But he'll be coming back on Friday to visit for the weekend, so you'll get to meet him soon enough." He shot a frown in Mephisto's direction. "He's much more of a success than a certain little ingrate over there…"

Mephisto glared down at his food. Why, oh why did this have to be happening now?

"So," Satan continued, flipping his tabloid back into its upright position, "he'll be wanting his half of the room back. Samael can help you get settled into the spare room; Daddy is a busy man, after all."

Mephisto huffed. "I'm busy too, you know! Besides, there are piles and piles of useless junk in that room; how in the world can you possibly expect me to clean it out by Friday?!"

The tabloid was folded downward again, but this time, Satan's expression was stone-cold. "I didn't just hear you talking back to me, did I, Samael?" he questioned dangerously.

Mephisto suddenly felt the air go out of him, and though he held his father's gaze, his face was pale. "No, sir," he murmured.

And with that, the tabloid was back up again. "Good. I know there's an extra bunk-bed in the shed somewhere, but it's from Ikea, so you might have to assemble it yourself."

If Mephisto hadn't been so close to setting the old man off, he might have chuckled. Apparently, Satan had made a drunken counting error back when his sons were small and purchased an extra bunk-bed without keeping the receipt. Of course, they were lucky for it now; at least Mephisto wouldn't have to go furniture shopping. However, to say he was upset would be an understatement. Not only was his arch-nemesis returning to the house, but now he also had to find places for everything that had been stuffed into the spare room over the years while somehow also getting all of his homework done on time...

Yukio glanced at him sympathetically. "You don't have to do all that yourself," he said quietly. "Rin and I would be more than happy to help… right, Nii-san?"

Rin sighed, giving in to Yukio's glare. "Right."

Mephisto rolled his eyes. "Grand…"

* * *

_And thus ended what was arguably one of the worst days of my life so far (or at least this year). While I certainly appreciate Yukio's offer to help, I'm not too keen on working with Rin… I'm sure he'll try to get back at me for the sukiyaki incident in some way. Although I hate to admit it, I would much rather share a room with Rin for a year than with Lucifer for a weekend. I believe I may have mentioned this already, but he and I have never been on the best of terms._

_But enough of that; I refuse to allow this assignment to turn into vapid emo poetry. The great Mephisto Pheles will not be brought down so easily! Indeed… I will not allow this development to ruin my life. Something good has to happen at least once before Friday. _

_Also, bis dann!_

* * *

**Author's Note: Hey, wait a minute! There was serious stuff in there?! What's going on?! Mephisto, I specifically ordered a crack fic! I demand a refund! *stalks off* What's that? It wasn't really very serious at all? Oh, okay.**

**Anyhoo, I would like to thank everyone for their wonderful suggestions as to where Luc should go to college… it was really difficult to choose, believe me. Ultimately, I went with Fireminer's pick, Harvard, because it just sounds so snotty (although I was really tempted to go with ToscaThorCat's suggestion of Princeton). Poli-sci as Luc's major is also due largely in part to Fireminer's suggestion. Also, a huge thank you to SuperiorDimwit for the idea for today's tabloid cover… I would totally read that article. XD**

**A wild Shura appeared! I'm sorry if I write her character oddly, and I'm also sorry for the breasts joke… but you can't have Shura without at least one.**

**Astaroth is also hard for me to characterize… his tone changes dramatically after he stops being Reiji Shiratori and introduces himself. Plus, I'm not sure if he's officially in the manga or not, so I'm kinda doing whatever I want. Eh heh heh… **


	7. Journey to the Center of the Spare Room

_Entry #6_

_It is now Thursday, officially the last Lucifer-free day for the rest of the week. I must admit, today passed by for me rather like the last day of summer vacation before the start of a miserable school year… or, to use a more accurate metaphor, the final day of life afforded to a prisoner on death row before his sentence is carried out. And, as is usually the case in situations such as those I have mentioned above, this day was not nearly as fun or care-free as I would have liked it to be._

_The school day itself was dull; Shura stuck her tongue out at me and made snide comments about me to my face during German class, but I was rather expecting that to happen, so it wasn't particularly exciting. The only satisfaction I gained from the exchange came from the fact that the only insult she was able to actually make in German was "dummkopf;" I had fun trying out all of the creative jibes I could think of in the face of her ignorance._

_Today was, thank goodness, the last day of our Anatomy class cat dissections; although I wasn't sure I would be able to survive, I did manage to avoid losing consciousness and/or regurgitating in an embarrassing fashion long enough to wave goodbye to "Cheyenne." Although, I could have sworn I caught a glimpse of Astaroth apologizing to Agatha the Dead Pig Fetus before I left the room… really, I don't want to think about it anymore._

_After school, I immediately set about cleaning out the spare room. As promised, Yukio and Rin showed up to "help," although at the time I was unsure if I really wanted the assistance..._

* * *

Rin gaped. "Woah... this place is like a hoarder's paradise." The entire room was stuffed floor-to-ceiling with junk of all kinds, some of it in boxes but most of it just stacked haphazardly. A fine layer of whitish dust covered everything, and there was some kind of strange… odor coming from the back right corner. Rin grimaced a little. "There's so much stuff…" Kuro slipped through the open door and rubbed against Rin's legs, mewling.

Mephisto sighed heavily. "Yes, well, this family isn't particularly good at organization. If something doesn't have a place, it ends up here; it's kind of like the Island of Misfit Toys, but much less fun." He flinched as Kuro's tail brushed against his leg. "Please get that cat out of here... it's going to get in the way."

Rin pouted. "Hey, don't be a jerk! Kuro just wants to help, right, Kuro?" He rubbed the cat's head, and it purred contentedly.

Yukio cleared his throat. "Rin, please don't get distracted…" He surveyed the room with slight awe. "I understand now why you didn't want to do this, Mephisto."

Rin reluctantly shooed Kuro out the door and folded his arms. "How long is this gonna take, exactly?"

Mephisto rolled his eyes. "Don't sound so excited." He mulled over the question for a moment or two. "Since we have to not only clear everything out of this room, but also either find a place for it or toss it, simply cleaning could take quite a while. And then we have to set up the bunk-bed, and move your things over here…"

Yukio smiled a little. "That part won't take long."

"So what are we looking at here?" Rin asked tersely. "A couple of hours?"

Mephisto stroked his chin. "That depends on your definition of 'a couple.' If it includes four or more, then yes, it's going to take a couple of hours."

Rin groaned in over-dramatic exasperation and flopped back against the wall. "This totally suuucks," he moaned. "I can't focus for that long!"

Yukio rolled up his sleeves and adjusted his glasses, face set in determination. "Nii-san, this is going to be our room! It's our duty to prepare it to the best of our abilities." The light from the ceiling bulb glinted off of his glasses, obscuring his eyes; for some reason, the effect was rather unsettling. "You have to focus. You are not allowed to give up or goof off, do you understand?"

Rin glared at him. "Hey, who do you think you are, my mom?!"

Mephisto smirked a little. _Yukio really should have been born the older brother…_ He cracked his knuckles. "I'd say it's about time we got started, wouldn't you?"

Yukio nodded firmly. Rin grabbed what appeared to be a dowel rod from one of the piles and held it aloft like a sword. "Let's do this!" he shouted.

_- - 20 Minutes Later - -_

"Engarde!" Mephisto stood precariously atop a pile of boxes and pointed his dowel rod at Rin menacingly. "Thy savage hordes shall never take this castle Dunsinane, Nobunaga! I shall defend her to the death!"

Rin raised his own dowel rod and growled. "I don't know how you've managed to change the setting again, oh foppish Thane of Cawdor, but I will cut you down with my mighty blade… uh… Kurikara!"

Mephisto held a hand over his heart in a mock swoon. "Alack! How many errors thou hast so swiftly committed! Macbeth reigns at High Dunsinane as KING, thou impetuous knave! And what, pray tell, hath inspired the name of thy 'mighty blade?'"

Rin suddenly lunged at him. "I hath made-eth it up-eth!" he yelled, swiping at Mephisto's torso.

Mephisto blocked the stroke with ease and was prepared to launch his counter-attack, but a loose box caused him to lose his footing and tumble unceremoniously to the ground. On his back, he saw Rin bound over the boxes and raise his dowel rod in preparation for the final strike. "Say farewell to your head, you clown!" Rin cried, grinning wildly.

Suddenly, Mephisto stuck out his legs and wrapped them around Rin's, his right against the back of the knees and his left at ankle-level. He crossed them swiftly and gave a slight jerk, and Rin tumbled to the ground with a yelp. Mephisto hastily rolled to the side and stood up, placing one foot squarely between Rin's shoulder blades. He pointed his dowel rod at the back of Rin's head. "Victory is mine!" he cackled.

Suddenly, Yukio appeared in the doorway, holding a couple of black trash bags. "I was thinking that it might be easier if we just started looking for things to… throw away…" He trailed off when he noticed the room's occupants surrounded by toppled piles of boxes. "...What is going on here?" he muttered.

Rin quickly rolled out from under Mephisto's foot and sat up, rubbing his neck. "We were, uh… working creatively?"

Mephisto simply hid the dowel rod behind his back and started whistling tunelessly.

Yukio narrowed his eyes. "Nii-san. I told you. Do not goof around." He adjusted his glasses. "Mephisto. I expected more from you. You ought to set a good example for him."

Mephisto stared at Yukio with something like awe. _Wow… he's just like one of those super-strict school-marms…_ He tossed the dowel rod to the side with a flourish and dipped his head, smirking. "Forgive me, Yukio-sensei. It won't happen again ~ "

Yukio raised an eyebrow. "Sensei?"

Mephisto snatched one of the trashbags from him and surveyed the room. "Well, I'm sure most of the junk in here could be reasonably thrown away without anyone noticing, so if you see anything that strikes your fancy or is in incredibly good condition, take it into the hallway for now and bag the rest."

Yukio nodded. "That sounds like an efficient way of handling this." He then went straight over to one of the piles and started stuffing things into one of his trashbags. Without even turning around, he held out a bag towards Rin. "You should get started too, Nii-san."

Rin groaned and took the bag, slowly pushing himself to his feet. "Yeah, sure…" He half-heartedly started sorting through one of the piles of junk, tossing everything he came across into the bag.

Mephisto opened one of the cardboard boxes and started poking around inside; this one looked like it was full of mostly useless knick-knacks. Plastic snowglobes, toys from McDonalds Happy Meals, etcetera, etcetera... Mephisto was about to dump the whole box into the bag when something caught his eye. Pulling it out to take a closer look, he realized it was a picture frame, showcasing a younger version of Satan and a woman he didn't recognize. Mephisto frowned; judging from the way their arms were wrapped around each other, the woman was probably the mother of one of Satan's sons, but since the old man never kept any pictures around the house, he couldn't be sure whose mother she was. She did seem to have a lot of moles, though… maybe…

He lifted the picture up and showed it to Yukio. "Is this your mother?" he asked, gesturing to the photo.

Yukio blinked in surprise. "I… I think so. That's what she looked like in the pictures Father Fujimoto had of her…"

Rin dropped his trashbag and scurried over to have a look. "Woah… that is her…" he murmured. "Where did you find that?"

Mephisto shrugged. "In a random cardboard box." He held it out towards Rin. "Do you want it?"

Rin thought for a moment, then nodded and took the picture. "Thanks," he muttered. "I, uh… I guess I'll go put this with my stuff. Be right back." With that, he hurried out of the room.

Yukio sighed. "I hope he isn't using this as an excuse to dawdle…"

Mephisto shrugged. "He'll be back soon enough, I'm sure." He opened another box and started sorting through it distractedly. "By the way, I'm a bit curious… did you two know your mother at all?"

Yukio sighed. "No… she actually died while giving birth to us."

Mephisto raised an eyebrow. "Really? She really, truly died during childbirth?"

Yukio looked slightly confused. "Um, yes…"

Mephisto narrowed his eyes slightly. "You're sure there wasn't any… foul play or anything?"

Yukio blinked. "Why would there have been foul play?!"

Mephisto smirked. "Oh, no reason, I'm just teasing you." Inwardly, he was slightly stunned. If Rin and Yukio's mother legitimately died after giving birth to them, then that meant that the old man hadn't killed her. And that meant… what, exactly? That he'd loved her emotionally? Mephisto decided that now was not the time to speculate on these things… after all, Yukio was right there, and Mephisto had a bad habit of accidentally slipping into fits of laughter or talking to himself when he pondered things of that nature.

Suddenly, Yukio yelped. "What… what is this…?" He sounded shaken.

Mephisto crossed the room in order to get a peek at what Yukio had found. He was almost expecting it to be one of Astaroth's specimens, but further inspection showed it to be a… a… "A sandwich?!" Mephisto gagged. The thing was covered in black mold, so much so that it was barely recognizable as food. It sat stoically at the bottom of one of the boxes, daring someone to pick it up to throw it away.

It was at that moment that Rin re-entered the room. "Okay, I'm back- what the heck is that?!"

Yukio gulped, staring at the sandwich with wide-eyed horror. "It's... disgusting..." he muttered.

Suddenly, Amaimon poked his head into the room. "Big Bro, I'm bored," he moaned.

No one responded; they were all too shocked and disgusted by the lump of decayed food to pay the newcomer any mind. Mephisto would have told him to find something to do on his own, but he was battling a sudden urge to vomit and knew that if he opened his mouth, he would lose.

Amaimon frowned. "I don't like being ignored." He trudged into the room and peeked over Mephisto's shoulder. "Hey, that's my sandwich!" he exclaimed suddenly, deftly snatching the rotting mess from the bottom of the box.

Everyone else in the room turned and stared at him in pure horror. Mephisto's eyes were wide. "What?" he murmured.

Amaimon shrugged. "I was gonna feed it to Behemoth, but I forgot."

Mephisto's eye twitched. "And how long ago was this?"

Amaimon blinked. "Um, I don't know. Maybe a year?"

"GET IT OUT OF HERE!" Mephisto shrieked, pushing Amaimon towards the door. Amaimon, for his part, knew when to not argue with his brother, so he scurried out of the room, moldy sandwich in hand.

* * *

_Of course, Amaimon's disgusting leftover food wasn't the only distressing thing we found in that room..._

* * *

Rin was sorting through some boxes when something caught his eye. Pulling it out carefully, he held it up to get a good look at it, then promptly started giggling. "Hey, Yukio, come check this out!"

Yukio sighed and walked over to where Rin stood. "What is it?"

"It looks like somebody's elementary school art project!" Rin exclaimed, holding the sheet of paper up for his younger brother to see. "Look, it's in crayon and everything!"

Mephisto suddenly tensed up.

"Those little stick-figure guys are kind of cute," Yukio commented.

Rin snickered. "This is hilarious! Who drew this?" He started turning the paper over, checking for a name. Suddenly, he stopped and turned to stare at Mephisto. "This is yours!" he snickered, studying the drawing with a renewed interest. "Wow, is this from third grade or something?"

Yukio cleared his throat; he looked a little awkward. "Nii-san, the date is from two years ago."

Rin went silent, staring at Mephisto with wide eyes. Mephisto cringed, bracing himself. It was only a matter of time before...

"BWA HA HA HA HA!" Rin doubled over, caught up in a fit of frenzied laughter. "Ha ha ha ha ha... you... ha ha ha ha ha ha... I don't... ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... I can't even... NYAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

Mephisto felt his face go red. "F- Fine, laugh all you want!" he sputtered, turning away and folding his arms. "See if I care! I don't need to stand for this!"

Rin continued to laugh uncontrollably. Yukio fidgeted. "I am so sorry..."

* * *

_So. That happened. To be honest, I'd forgotten all about that particular art project... needless to say, I shoved it into a trashbag as soon as I managed to pry it out of Rin's fingers. Art and I just don't get along, I'm aware of that. In fact, I usually have Amaimon do any drawing I might need for projects on lollipop commission. I really don't remember what the piece in question was for, though. _

_Many other interesting things were discovered during the process of our cleaning, but I neither have the time nor energy to list them all. Ultimately, the whole process took about two and a half hours, at the end of which we found ourselves faced with one last cardboard box…_

* * *

Mephisto, Yukio, and Rin stood around the box silently; no one wanted to be the first to suggest opening it. There was a very good reason for their hesitation: the lid of the box had been taped shut. And on that piece of tape, someone had written "Astaroth" in black Sharpie.

Finally, after a few moments of silent dread, Yukio cleared his throat. "I… I think we should open it," he muttered heroically. "I mean, we can't just leave this box here, but we can't throw the whole thing away… Astaroth might want it."

Rin narrowed his eyes. "Why don't we just give it to Astaroth and have him open it?"

Mephisto blinked. "I suppose we could do that…" But he knew no one would. As afraid as they were of what they might find, they were all infected with a morbid curiosity that would never be satisfied until they knew what was in that box. That being said, he didn't want to be the one to break the seal…after all, someone had taped that box shut for a reason.

Yukio adjusted his glasses in grim determination. "I'm going to open it." He knelt down and began to carefully peel off the tape. Mephisto and Rin watched, wide-eyed, from over his shoulders. Yukio's thin fingers delicately pulled back the tape, then carefully re-stuck it onto the front of the box. He slid his fingers under the top flap of the lid, then suddenly flipped it open...

...revealing the harsh grin of a human skull atop a pile of bare white bones.

"AAAAAAHHH!" Mephisto and Rin both cried out in pure terror before stumbling backwards, Rin tripping over his own feet and landing on his rear. Mephisto managed to make it all the way to the back wall before sliding down to the floor, knees drawn up to his chest and shaking violently. "Aah… uwaah… aahh…."

Suddenly, Yukio turned around and raised an eyebrow. "Guys, it's just a plastic model."

"How do you know?!" Rin screeched, pointing a trembling finger at his younger brother.

Yukio reached into the box, picked up the skull, and pointed to a spot on the base of the jaw. "It says 'Made in China.'"

Rin made a noise somewhere between a moan and a sigh of relief and flopped face-first onto the floor. Mephisto hurriedly stood up and brushed himself off. "Well, with Astaroth, you never know," he said dismissively.

Yukio sighed, put the skull back in the box, and picked the whole thing up. "I'm just going to drop this off in his room, if that's okay…"

Mephisto nodded eagerly. "By all means."

* * *

_And thus, the cleaning out of the mysterious spare room came to a close. After that, it took about an hour to figure out how to set up the mysterious Ikea bunk-bed, but, aside from Rin losing his grip on a piece of metal and nearly dropping it on my head, that process was relatively surprise-free. By the time we'd finished everything, it was already eight o'clock, and I still had piles of homework to do. So now, as I finish this entry, it is about a quarter past two in the morning. Therefore, I hope that you will not be too angry with me if I end this rather abruptly. I suppose now all I can do is hope that some sort of terrible accident will close all roads leading to and from Harvard University by six o'clock this morning. _

_Bis später…_

* * *

**Author's Note: ****I just keep picturing Yukio holding up that skull and going, "alas, poor Yorick, I knew him well."**

**So, the "swordfight" in this chapter is completely ridiculous in terms of random references. Mephisto ought to know that it's bad luck to say the name of the Scottish play when you're not performing it… that's probably why he fell. Oh, and Rin's "farewell to your head" thing actually comes from Drifters, and was not even said by the Oda Nobunaga in that series. O_o Mephisto's kung-fu is a real thing, though. Trust me.**


	8. Enter Lucifer

_Entry #7_

_And so, the day I'd been dreading finally came to pass: at six o'clock this morning, the old man embarked on the long drive to Harvard University, leaving the rest of us to suffer the humiliation of riding the school bus. As it so happened, we had to show our school IDs to the bus driver in order to convince her that we actually were within our rights to board the disgusting yellow vehicle, and even then there weren't enough seats for all of us. Asmodeus managed to squeeze in between two girls (no surprises there), and one of Mammon's FBLA friends happened to have a seat open for him. Surprisingly, Yukio was offered a seat almost right away by some blushing female freshmen; however, that left the rest of us (Rin, Amaimon, Astaroth, and myself) rather in the lurch. Ultimately, we ended up using Belphegor, who was sprawled on the floor in the back of the bus, as a cushion of sorts. There wasn't quite enough room for all of us to sit on his back, though, so Rin got kicked into the aisle. At least watching him bounce around was entertaining._

_And as if that humiliating ordeal wasn't enough, I was also accosted by a certain red-haired punk during German class today…_

* * *

Mephisto sighed, bent over his open textbook with his head in his hands. _There is no way today is going to be a good day… no, scratch that, today is going to be hell. Pure, unadulterated, fiery Phlegethon._

He jumped slightly as something that felt suspiciously like a fist collided with his shoulder. Whirling around, he found himself face-to-face with a smirking Shura.

"Hey, dweeb," she snickered, leaning forward with her hands on her hips. "I looked up all the dirty words in the German-English dictionary yesterday, so I've got all kinds of fun stuff ta call ya today, _du verdammter Kerl_."

Mephisto sighed, closing his eyes and turning away from her. "Congratulations, you've succeeded in lowering your cultural standards even further than I thought possible," he drawled in an obviously bored tone. "Forgive me, but I'm just not in the mood to play this game today."

Shura stomped around to the front of his desk, eyebrow raised. "Woah, you're passin' up an opportunity ta prove your 'superiority' because you're 'not in the mood?' What, is this, like, your version of being super-depressed or something?"

Mephisto ground his teeth and turned to stare at the row of bookshelves to his left. _Every time she leans forward like that, I can see right down her… tch, and she knows it, too! Does this woman have no shame?!_ "It's really nothing a delinquent like you should concern yourself with," he muttered. Suddenly, a thought occurred to him, and he smirked. "Unless you've become so infatuated with my brilliance that you feel an overwhelming urge to comfort me and grovel at my feet."

Shura grimaced and stuck out her tongue. "In your dreams, dweeb." She folded her arms, smirking. "Come on, you in a visibly grumpy mood is about as common as a four-leaf clover stuck in the mane of a unicorn during a blue moon."

Mephisto raised an eyebrow. "Oh really? Because you've only known me for three days."

Shura smirked. "Maybe, but it's true, innit?"

Mephisto tried to think of a way to counter that, but ultimately came up empty-handed. "Fine, if you want an explanation so badly, I suppose I might as well give you one," he muttered. "My older brother is coming home from college for the weekend, and I cannot stand him. Did that satisfy your curiosity?"

Shura chortled. "Nyahahaha! There's an older version of Dweeb?! Now this I gotta see!"

Mephisto narrowed his eyes. "First of all, there's no way I'm ever telling you where I live. Second of all, Lucifer and I are nothing alike. And third, when exactly did it become okay for you to start using the word 'dweeb' as a proper noun?!"

"Since just now," Shura retorted. "Get used to it, 'cause I'm not gonna call ya anything else."

Mephisto rolled his eyes. "I refuse to answer to that."

Shura shrugged. "Yeah, sure, whatever." She smirked. "Dweeb."

Suddenly, the bell rang signaling the start of class. As the other students began to make their way back to their seats, Shura bounced off towards the back of the room. She paused for a moment, turning around to flash Mephisto a cheeky grin. "Oh, and I'm definitely gonna find a way to meet Older Dweeb, especially since he apparently annoys ya so much," she declared, hands on her hips. She then turned back around and headed towards her desk. "You can bet anything ya want on that."

"Thanks for the notice, I'll be sure to board up all my windows," Mephisto called after her, but she'd already flopped into her seat and was apparently no longer within hearing range. He sighed and started flipping through his textbook. _I really don't understand that girl..._

* * *

_After that, nothing particularly noteworthy happened. I found out at lunch that Amaimon is failing his math class again, but that wasn't really a surprise to me or him. The twins are somehow still sitting at our table, so Yukio offered to assist him with his homework, but I really don't see that helping much. Amaimon's brain retains information like water in a sieve._

_At any rate, we had to ride the ridiculous school bus back home, which, predictably, was not any more fun than the first time. And when we finally did arrive home, the pedo-van was already back in the driveway…_

* * *

Asmodeus swung open the door and strode inside. "Yo, we're home!" he announced, kicking off his sneakers and flopping down onto the couch. Mammon darted inside excitedly, followed closely by Astaroth, Amaimon, and a very uncomfortable-looking Belphegor. Mephisto grumbled incoherently under his breath as he made his way towards the front door. Behind him, Rin and Yukio exchanged glances. "Oi, Mephisto," Rin spoke up suddenly, sounding a bit curious. "Why do you hate this older brother Lucifer so much? Is he a jerk, or what?"

Mephisto sighed. "No, and that's the worst part; to any observer, he is one of the nicest people in the world." He whirled around and narrowed his eyes dramatically. "But beneath the charismatic facade, he is a cunning, maniacal, cold-hearted, twisted snake, and - dare I say it - a _politician_. He'll flash you a smile with his brilliant teeth and make you love him, all while planning to stab you in the back!"

Rin raised an eyebrow. "Funny, that description could apply to somebody else around here, too…"

Mephisto huffed. "Please." He held a hand over his chest and smirked. "I may be just as manipulative as he is, but I have _culture_." He grimaced. "Lucifer is nothing but an over-glorified, preppy, shallow, frat-boy socialist." He turned back towards the door and grimaced. "We fight like cats and dogs, so things may get a bit… out of hand."

With that, he grasped the doorknob, pulled it open, and stepped into the house. And there, in the middle of the room, stood Lucifer. He was about the same height as Mephisto, if not slightly shorter, and he had light blonde hair that was slicked over cleanly in the front, but stuck out a bit in the back. He wore a red polo shirt and a pair of khaki pants, and he appeared to be conversing with Mammon. Upon spotting Mephisto, he turned to face him with a warm smile on his face. "Hey, Sammy! How are you?"

Mephisto walked a bit further into the room to stand about two feet away from his older brother. "Oh, I'm quite alright, thank you," he said, smiling broadly. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted Rin and Yukio staring at him wide-eyed; apparently, this cordial greeting wasn't what they'd been expecting.

Lucifer continued to smile brightly. "That's good to hear. I was just telling Mammon how much I've missed you all." He took a step towards Mephisto. "In fact, some of my classmates and I were discussing you the other day."

Mephisto's smile dimmed a shade. "Oh? Do tell…"

Lucifer chuckled. "Well, I'm not quite sure how, exactly, but the topic of your interesting political views came up. We were merely speculating about what you think of the Affordable Care Act."

Mephisto narrowed his eyes slightly. "I see. This wouldn't happen to have taken place at one of your communist rallies, would it?"

Lucifer's smile gradually thinned until it became a smirk. "Still stubbornly backwards, I see. Has it never occurred to you that it's the money-grubbing conservatives who really stand in the way of social progress? All people deserve certain amenities, and we live in a country wealthy enough to provide them." He shook his head slightly. "Oh, and there's a huge distinction between 'Democrat' and 'communist,' you know."

Mephisto snorted. "I'm sorry, you're just so disgustingly leftist that I have trouble seeing the difference." He folded his arms. "Social progress is all well and good, but my money is my money. I refuse to pay for someone else's health care simply because they were too lazy to get a job with benefits." He smirked. "Besides, why would anyone in his right mind freely give so much power to a government that can't even fix a website?"

Lucifer smirked back. "A glitching health care site does not an ineffectual government make, Sammy. A group of stubborn Republicans, on the other hand..."

"I believe I told you not to call me 'Sammy,'" Mephisto grumbled. "And the Republicans weren't the only ones keeping the government shut down, you know; there were multiple perfectly reasonable proposals made that a certain Democrat in the White House refused to accept."

Asmodeus groaned loudly. "Girls, girls, you're both pretty. Can we at least save the politics for a time when people aren't trying to get stuff done?"

Mephisto turned to face him and raised an eyebrow. "And what, pray tell, are you trying to get done?"

Asmodeus waved his cell phone in the air. "Leslie is going through some major girl drama right now, so if I handle this right..." He winked. "...I might get lucky."

Mephisto sighed. "I'm sorry I asked."

Lucifer suddenly brushed past Mephisto and made his way over to where the twins were standing. "You must be Rin and Yukio," he said, smiling warmly. "I'm sorry you had to see that; Sammy can get pretty fired up over the dumbest stuff."

"You were the one who brought up politics, you hypocrite!" Mephisto interjected, hands on his hips.

Lucifer ignored him, holding out a hand. "I'm Lucifer, but you can call me Luc. I'm looking forward to getting to know you both."

Yukio shook his hand and smiled a little timidly. "Ah, it's a pleasure to meet you..."

Rin looked a little unsure of how to respond; his smile was uncertain and he hesitated before shaking Lucifer's hand. "Um, hi..."

Lucifer grinned. "You'll have to tell me all about yourselves when you get the chance; for now, though, I'd better start unpacking." He chuckled. "I actually have homework of my own to do, too, so I really should get that done as early as possible." And with that, he turned towards the back of the room and disappeared into the hallway.

Mephisto took a deep breath, hiding his annoyance under what he hoped was a convincing detached smirk. _That insufferable prig, deliberately starting up an argument about politics not two seconds after I enter the room! He must be trying to make me look bad in front of the others, so that they won't respect me while he's away and then he can come home and wrap them all around his finger like some polo-wearing puppet master. Well, I hate to spoil your fun, Lucifer, but I'm not going to let you get away with it! I'll out-scheme you if it's the last thing I-_

Mephisto suddenly noticed the twins staring at him, both looking a little uncomfortable. Rin gulped. "Um, just thought I should let you know... you're making a really scary face."

Mephisto blinked. _I am?_ After a moment or two, he smirked. "Like microwaving puppies?"

Rin frowned slightly. "Remind me to keep Kuro away from you."

* * *

_It was almost possible to forget about Lucifer's presence when I started doing my homework... since I took it outside. However, avoiding him at dinner was, sadly, impossible. _

* * *

Lucifer gazed at his plate with something akin to awe. "Wow, Rin, did you really cook this yourself?"

Rin grinned, looking extremely proud of himself. "Yup. I've decided to try making American food, but I don't know how to fry things so I just went with chicken."

Lucifer chuckled. "You make it sound so easy. Believe me, last year I would have killed to be able to cook like this."

Mephisto glowered at his plate. "I believe it," he muttered.

Lucifer raised an eyebrow at him, smirking slightly. "Aw, Sammy, what's gotten into you? Why so glum?"

Mephisto folded his arms and smirked. "Glum? Who's glum? Certainly not me. Why on earth would I be glum? After all, my _dear brother_ has just returned home from college." He held a hand over his heart in feigned concern. "I'm so glad that you managed to return from that frat-house unscathed; I was afraid that you'd already started participating in drunken revels in some frat brother's mom's basement."

Lucifer was unfazed. "Sigma Chi is actually the only Greek society on campus that has a house, and I know the other members well enough by now to assure you that 'drunken revels' would not take place there this early in the semester. But thank you for the concern."

Rin suddenly leaned over to Amaimon and whispered something unintelligible. Amaimon blinked. "Huh? What was that?"

Rin glanced around the table, looking slightly awkward. "I said…." He whispered again.

Amaimon's eyebrows scrunched together slightly. "...uh… what?"

"ARE THEY LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME?!" Rin growled, then quickly clamped a hand over his mouth, glancing back and forth between Mephisto and Lucifer. "Um…"

Lucifer chuckled good-humoredly. "Amai, he was trying to be discreet. Still can't pick up on even the most obvious hints, can you?"

Amaimon's gaze traveled downwards until it rested on his plate. "I just didn't hear him right…" he muttered, unwrapping a lollipop and sticking it in his mouth.

Lucifer turned to face Rin. "In answer to your question, yes. Sammy and I have been arguing with each other since…" He trailed off, then stroked his chin thoughtfully. "Hmm, when did the debating really start?" After a moment or two of thought, he suddenly chuckled. "Oh yeah, I think it was when I was in sixth grade and he was in fifth. We got into some argument about whether the janitors were 'creepy' or not. It was very intense." He snickered. "I remember he used to dress up and run around the house pretending he was some character from one of those cartoons…" He turned to Mephisto, grinning wickedly. "What was it again? Mask de Masque or something?"

Mephisto cringed, gripping the edges of the table. _Verdammt… he's got the wrong character, but if I correct him, I'll be admitting that the story's true in front of Rin and Yukio! _He glanced around the table. _The others might have forgotten… maybe I can deny it. But… he's so wrong…_

Rin raised an eyebrow. "Mask de Masque? Isn't he from some video game or something?"

Mephisto gritted his teeth._ I can't take this anymore!_ He slammed his palms on the surface of the table. "I simply cannot abide such a grievous error!" he shouted. "The name of the character is Tuxedo Mask!" He folded his arms huffily. "Mask de Masque is something entirely different."

Everyone at the table was staring at him; even Satan had managed to tear himself away from his tabloid article. Rin blinked. "Wait, Tuxedo Mask… so that means…" He pointed at Mephisto with his fork. "You watch _Sailor Moon?!_" Immediately after that statement, he broke down into uncontrollable laughter. "Gah ha ha ha ha… that show's so girly! Ah ha ha ha… I can totally see you doing that… ha ha ha ha ha…"

Lucifer immediately started laughing as well, and soon the whole table was either snickering, cackling, chuckling, or (in the case of Yukio and Amaimon) smiling slightly more than usual.

Satan had an oddly high-pitched laugh, but it was harsh and very, very loud. "Ha ha, I remember that now… you were such a weird kid!"

Mephisto felt his eye twitch, and his hands started to shake. His gaze fixated on Lucifer, who continued to laugh that bright, friendly laugh of his that was just. So._ Irritating_. Without thinking, he suddenly reached across the table, grabbed the lollipop out of Amaimon's mouth, and whipped it at Lucifer's head.

If Lady Luck had any pity at all for Mephisto, she at least allowed the lollipop to reach its intended mark. Lucifer recoiled, flailing as the lollipop stuck itself firmly to his perfectly-combed hair. Grasping the stick, he tried pulling it out, but to no avail. After a moment or two of struggling, he turned to face his assailant with a dark scowl. "What… have you done?!" he growled, looking like he was about to explode.

Mephisto blinked; he wasn't quite sure himself. It was almost as if his arm had moved on its own. Everyone else at the table had fallen completely silent, and Amaimon's mouth hung open as if waiting for the lollipop to be returned to it.

Lucifer suddenly stood up. "You brat!" he screamed, picking up a piece of chicken with his fingers and hurling it at Mephisto, who was too shocked to dodge. The suddenly-airborne meat smacked him in the face, covering his nose and cheeks in juice and sauce before landing in his lap. Mephisto hastily wiped the liquid off of his face with a hand and stared, horrified, at his thighs. Bolting to his feet, he picked up a piece of chicken from his own plate. "These are white jeans!" he shrieked, whipping the chicken towards Lucifer's head.

Suddenly, Asmodeus leapt to his feet and picked up a dinner roll. "Hell yeah, a food fight!" he shouted gleefully before chucking the roll at an unsuspecting Mammon.

The entire table suddenly erupted into chaos as everyone (except maybe Yukio and Belphegor, who was asleep) grabbed the nearest food item and hurled it at someone else. Chicken and steamed vegetables flew back and forth with all the fury of a barrage of shells over a table-shaped battlefield. The fighting was so intense that there would have been severe injuries had Satan not managed to get a hold of the baskets of rolls. Amid a flurry of maniacal cackling, he hurled the rolls with alarming speed and pinpoint accuracy, pelting his sons in an onslaught so devastating that they were all eventually forced to surrender. "Mwah ha ha ha, sucks to suck, boys!" he crowed, one foot planted firmly on the seat of his chair in victory. After taking a moment to survey the damage, he trained his gaze on Mephisto and Lucifer, who were both so covered in chicken-sauce that their faces were barely visible. "Now what should I do with you two, hm?" He smirked fiendishly. "Oh, I know! You can both clean this up _together_."

Mephisto let out a slight yelp. "Absolutely not! I'd rather do it all myself!" He took a step towards his father. "I started the fight, PLEASE don't make Lucifer take responsibility for my actions!"

Lucifer tugged on the lollipop stick, which was still firmly planted in his hair. "He did start it," he muttered.

Satan narrowed his eyes. "I don't need to say things twice, do I?" And with that, he turned and walked out of the room. "Make sure this is all cleaned up before breakfast tomorrow."

Lucifer turned and shot Mephisto a glare of pure hatred. "Why you little…"

Mephisto ground his teeth. This was officially the worst night of his life.

* * *

**Author's Note: I apologize if this chapter may seem a bit… deranged. I just ate, like, ten whole bags of Halloween candy.**

**When I read the part where Lucifer and Mephisto meet in the manga, I was EXTREMELY creeped out. There's just no way that the polite banter wasn't covering some crazed homicidal urges in both of them; I have no idea what was going on under Lucifer's mask, but Mephisto got so upset that he actually made his scary demon face in front of his students. So, I tried to base their interactions in this fic on that.**

**Many, many thanks to Fireminer for suggesting the food fight, and to SuperiorDimwit for the bit about Mephisto dressing up as Tuxedo Mask. I try to incorporate suggestions as much as possible, so if there's something you want to see happen, feel free to let me know! (I can't promise anything, though… this fic kind of writes itself.)**

**Today's Daily Dose of Shura was largely unnecessary, in retrospect, but there you go.**

**Oh, and the politics argument was partly inspired by Fireminer and SuperiorDimwit, too. I can see Lucifer being pretty left-wing, since he's always talking about PEACE between the worlds and stuff like that. Mephisto is definitely not a shotgun-toting Texan, but he's just so stingy that I can't imagine him supporting something like the Affordable Care Act or the welfare system. He doesn't seem like the type to care an awful lot about social issues, either.**


	9. Saturday Morning Shenanigans

_Entry #8_

_So... about yesterday's entry. I apologize for cutting it off, but while I was writing, I suddenly lost all motivation to continue and spent the rest of the night trying to comfort myself by reading fluffy fan fiction and finishing off my last box of pocky. Cleaning up the monumental mess in the dining room with Lucifer assisting was not exactly fun..._

* * *

"So..." Mephisto surveyed the damage with a grimace. "Does this situation warrant a mop?"

Lucifer glared at him; he, like Rin before him, had been forced to cut the lollipop out of his hair with scissors. However, the injury to Lucifer's perfectly-slicked-over hair was much more obvious, and the ragged edges gave Mephisto a small satisfaction. Lucifer folded his arms. "No, a mop would be overkill. We can take care of this with a sponge or two."

Mephisto raised an eyebrow, hands on his hips. "Don't you see this mess? It looks like a hurricane of chicken sauce blew through here." He gestured towards the mess with a flourish. "There's simply no way sponges will be enough; we need a mop."

Lucifer glared at him. "We do not need a mop!"

Mephisto glared back. "We do indeed!"

"Don't!"

"Do!"

"Don't!"

"Do!"

"Wacko!"

"Ignoramus!"

* * *

_This went on for pretty much the whole night. We ended up dividing the kitchen in two by way of an imaginary line and simply each taking care of our own side, but even that proved difficult because there was constant debate over where exactly the line was. By the time everything had been cleaned up, it was already almost nine o'clock, and my nerves were rather frayed._

_Needless to say, today was no frolic through the flowers, either, although I think things did end up settling down a bit. Lucifer spent most of the day reconnecting with old friends (i.e. student councilmen and football players), so he was out for quite a while. Of course, this meant that, since he had taken the pedo-van, the rest of us were pretty much stuck at home, but that wasn't much of a problem for me today. Due to what could only have been some sort of massive cosmic coincidence, the place where I usually work weekends decided that Mephisto Pheles ought to have at least one Saturday off (oh, and just so you know, I never tell anyone where I work because it's highly embarrassing, so I'm afraid I'll have to leave you in the dark on that one). _

_So, since I had all day to do nothing, I decided to start by watching Saturday morning cartoons. Normally, no one else is even awake before lunch on the weekend, but Lucifer had already left by ten, and I think Yukio was up as early as eight o'clock. I honestly don't understand how he can be so utterly responsible all the time, and yet never have any real fun. It's almost like he's one of Asimov's robots._

_Anyway, I believe I was watching Yu-Gi-Oh! Zexal (not much else was on), when all of a sudden, Yukio appeared from behind me like a wraith. I honestly have no idea how he managed to sneak up on me like that..._

* * *

Mephisto adjusted his position on the couch in order to face Yukio, who was standing behind him. The younger teen was already fully dressed in a yellow sweater and jeans, and Mephisto felt just the tiniest bit self-conscious about having not yet changed out of his pastel-pink pajamas. "Why hello there. Quite a morning person, aren't you?"

Yukio smiled sheepishly. "Yes, well, Father Fujimoto always said you're wasting your day if you're not awake before nine."

Mephisto groaned inwardly. _Please don't make this awkward… I'm just trying to watch TV, I don't want to have to feel sorry for you right now_. He rested his elbows on the top of the back of the couch. "Wise words from a good man, I'm sure." _But if I don't at least act like I feel sorry for you, I'll feel kind of bad anyway. Do you see the kind of situation you've put me in?! Hm?!_

Yukio smiled softly. "Yes… thanks for that." He glanced over at the TV. "I'm sorry if I'm disturbing you, but… there's something I'd like to ask you, if it's alright."

Mephisto raised an eyebrow. Judging from Yukio's slightly hesitant manner, this question was undoubtedly going to be an important one… or, at the very least, interesting or embarrassing. Or perhaps even all three. He smiled pleasantly. "Oh, sure, ask away!"

Yukio's expression became serious. "Why did you ask me if my mother's death had involved foul play?" He folded his arms. "I know it's been two days, but I've been thinking about it a lot." He adjusted his glasses. "And don't just say it was a joke again; this family may be strange, but that's still a lame excuse and I'm not buying it."

Mephisto resisted the urge to chuckle. Yukio being Yukio, he'd been expecting the younger teen to clam up and stew over the question for at least a week before confronting him about it. Obviously, he'd underestimated his baby brother a bit. Now he'd have to make a split-second choice: let Yukio figure things out on his own, or spill the beans. Mephisto smirked. Ah, simply giving in was never any fun. He shrugged, letting out a heavy sigh. "I'm sorry… I suppose you've caught me."

Yukio blinked. "Eh?"

"Well, this is a tad embarrassing, but…" Mephisto smiled sheepishly. "I've always been a fan of 'sensational literature;' you know, Doyle, Christie, Poe, L&O, Conan, Matlock, etcetera. So I tend to get a bit carried away when I hear there's been a death…"

Yukio narrowed his eyes slightly. "Are you saying that you thought my mother had been murdered... because you like mystery stories too much?"

Mephisto nodded, sheepish smile fixed firmly in place. The best lies always have a bit of truth to them… and he was sure Yukio knew him well enough by now to realize how credible this particular lie was. "I feel dreadful about it now, of course, but I was rather hoping for some exciting whodunit to solve... I apologize for taking the matter so lightly."

Yukio was quiet for a bit; he didn't look especially convinced. However, after a moment or two, he sighed. "Well, thank you for answering my question."

Mephisto grinned. "Oh, no need to thank me..." He turned back to the TV screen just in time to see the end of the commercial break. "Ah, good; I didn't miss anything." He leaned back and reached for the remote, turning the volume up a notch. "You know, this show may seem dull at first, but it's actually quite interesting once you go past the surface."

Yukio raised an eyebrow. "Out of curiosity, what are you watching?"

Mephisto smirked. "Yu-Ki-Oh."

* * *

_After that, not much else happened... although, interestingly, I think Rin actually rolled out of bed five minutes _after _Belphegor. That has to be some sort of record. _

_By lunchtime, pretty much everyone else was awake, although Yukio was still the only one fully dressed. Rin claimed that he couldn't concentrate on making lunch after just waking up, so we were considering ordering Chinese, when suddenly, the doorbell rang._

* * *

Yukio raised an eyebrow. "I wonder who that could be?"

Mephisto shrugged. "It's probably just those Jehovah's Witnesses again." He leaned back on the couch and turned his attention to his DS. "No one here's expecting anyone, so pay it no heed."

Amaimon glanced over at the door, the back half of a gummy worm hanging out of his mouth. "I wonder why they keep coming here?"

Mammon rolled his eyes. "Our father's name is 'Satan,' genius. They probably think we're all devil-worshippers or something." He flipped through the phone book. "Let's see. According to my calculations, China Taste would probably be the cheapest..."

After a few minutes, the doorbell rang again. Not a moment later, it rang yet again, and then started ringing over and over with no pause between rings. Mephisto raised an eyebrow. "They're certainly persistent today…"

Asmodeus sighed. "Come on, you know solicitors usually leave after, like, the third ring." He crossed the room and grasped the door handle. "I guess I'll get it; it might be Leslie." He then turned the handle, opened the door, and froze. "Uh…hi. Can I help you?" he murmured, sounding slightly in awe.

Mephisto rolled his eyes, not even bothering to look up from his game._ It's probably a girl; Asmodeus pulls this routine anytime anything feminine shows up in front of that door_. He would have completely ignored it entirely, but suddenly, the visitor spoke. And her voice sounded terribly familiar.

"Hi there… I brought your pizza."

Mephisto paused his game and cautiously lifted his gaze towards the front door, suddenly apprehensive. If that was who he thought it was… He squinted, trying to catch a glimpse of the other person, but all he could see was a shock of red hair… actually, that was enough. His eyebrows scrunched together in confusion. Why in the world would she be here? More importantly, how had she found out where he lived?!

Asmodeus scratched the back of his head. "Huh? We didn't order any pizza…"

"What? Really?" The girl, who Mephisto now knew to be Shura, sounded incredibly dismayed. "But I'm sure I didn't make a mistake…"

Asmodeus opened the door a little wider, taking a step back. "Hey, I know... Why don't you just step inside, and we can… discuss it…"

Mephisto groaned inwardly. That fool! He still didn't have any idea why Shura would go to the trouble of coming to his house like this, but he knew she couldn't be up to any good. He was also starting to suspect that she was completely insane… and Asmodeus had just let her waltz in the front door. He made sure to save his game, then hastily crossed the room and stood in front of the doorway. "Don't let her in, you idiot!" he shouted, arms folded. "She's manipulating you with her womanly wiles!"

Shura smirked maliciously. "Gee, thanks, Dweeb! I'm glad ya think I'm pretty." She balanced a box of pizza on the top of an upturned palm, and she wore a black fitted polo with all three of the collar buttons undone, a pair of too-short khakis, and a black visor that had the logo for Wild Pizza Domino Hut emblazoned on it.

Mephisto huffed. "No, Asmodeus' standards are simply unhealthily low." He narrowed his eyes at her. "I have two questions for you: how did you find out where I live, and why in the world are you here?! This is practically stalking, you lunatic!"

Asmodeus stared at Mephisto like he'd grown a second head. "You know her?" He took a tiny step back. "And you're upset about this?!"

Shura snickered. "Actually, it wasn't too hard to find this place; the neighborhood's pretty straight-forward. As to why I'm here, well, I told ya I'd come introduce myself to Older Dweeb, didn't I?" She smirked wickedly. "I mean, come on. You got me curious as to what kind of guy could piss you off that bad."

Mephisto smirked. "Really? Is that so? Well, I'm afraid the joke's on you; Lucifer happens to be out of the house."

Shura blinked. "Eh?!" However, after a moment or two, she shrugged. "Meh, can't win 'em all, I guess." She held up the box. "Somebody here really did order a pizza, though."

Mephisto's eyes widened slightly. "What?!" He'd assumed the pizza thing was some sort of elaborate ruse in order to gain entrance to the house.

Shura smirked. "Don't look so surprised. I work part-time at Wild Pizza Domino Hut, and when I heard somebody named 'Baal' placed an order, I thought I'd do the delivery myself." She raised an eyebrow. "What, did you think I just came here and stalked ya for no reason? That's creepy." She took a step inside. "Although, now that I'm here…" She glanced around the room, smirking. "Wow, are you havin' a sleepover party or something? Kya ha ha, you're even in your pajamas and everything! Man, I wish I had my phone right now!"

Mephisto sighed. "Before you jump to any conclusions, they're all my younger brothers." He folded his arms. "But we really didn't order any pizza, so would you mind leaving?"

Asmodeus pushed Mephisto to the side and flipped back his bangs. "Now, hold on… I think we should at least compensate the lovely lady for her trouble…" He held out a hand to Shura. "I'm Asmodeus, by the way… but my friends call me 'Ass.'"

Shura shook his hand, smirking. "Nice ta meetcha." She turned to Mephisto. "Well? Are ya gonna introduce me to everybody else?"

Mephisto narrowed his eyes. "Really?"

Shura huffed. "Yeah, really. If I'm not gonna get ta see Older Dweeb, I might as well meet all the Mini Dweebs."

Mammon closed the phone book with a thud and stood to his feet. "Hey, don't lump us in with him!" He folded his arms. "That clown is weird all on his own." He paused. "Oh, and I'm Mammon, by the way."

Shura turned towards Yukio, who was sitting in a corner of the room, trying his best to look absorbed in whatever book he was reading. "And who's the four-eyes in the sweater?"

Mephisto sighed. "That would be Yukio. And the one zoned out on the floor over there is Belphegor, Astaroth's in his room doing God knows what, Rin's probably in the bathroom, and…" He gestured towards the couch, where Amaimon looked like he was trying to see how many gummy worms he could stuff in his mouth at the same time. "...that's Amaimon." Mephisto placed his hands on his hips. "Are you quite satisfied now? Allow me to repeat that no one here ordered a pizza."

Amaimon nodded, causing one of the gummy worms to fall out of his mouth. "We wuh guhbnuh ubduh Chuhnehs…"

Mephisto glared at him. "Do not talk with your mouth full!"

Amaimon looked at him helplessly and shrugged. "Id's huhd tuh chuw…"

Mammon looked slightly confused. "I don't understand… We were planning on ordering Chinese for lunch. Why would there be a pizza delivered here instead? And why just one? There's only enough for one slice for each of us."

Shura held a hand up in the air. "Hey, don't ask me, I just deliver."

Suddenly, a tabloid - err, rather, Satan behind an open tabloid - turned the corner from the hallway and entered the living room. After taking a few steps into the room, he folded up the tabloid and laid it on a side table. Sighting Shura, he reached into his pants pocket for his wallet and grumbled, "well, it's about damn time."

He must have sensed his sons' stares, for he glanced around the room and shrugged. "Don't worry, I'll still spring for your Chinese; this one's all mine, though." He eyed the box hungrily. "I'm the only one around here who eats the anchovy and pineapple. Gotta indulge myself every once in a while."

Mephisto sighed and flopped onto the couch, watching Satan pay Shura and grab the pizza box. As Shura headed towards the door, she flashed him a wicked smirk before leaving. "See ya on Monday, Dweeb."

As the door slammed shut, Mephisto closed his eyes and leaned back; he suddenly got the feeling that Lady Chance was deliberately spiting him.

* * *

_So… that happened. And it was one of the strangest and most awkward experiences of my life to date. Now I have to go to school on Monday with the knowledge that my second-worst enemy has seen me in my pajamas… I must think of some way to get her back for this. Of course, creative revenge just so happens to be one of my specialties, so I'm quite certain that she'll get what's coming to her for this audacious affront to my personal privacy._

_At any rate, Lucifer came back at around five in the evening, so we had another argument at dinner. He expressed dismay at having not been present to meet my "crush," which of course I immediately had to correct. Naturally he construed my correction to be "denial," and… well, let's just say that we were arguing on and off about it for the rest of the night. Thank whatever higher powers that may or may not be that tomorrow he's finally leaving… I honestly can't remember how I survived all those earlier years of my life when he was here all the time._

_Well, with that being said, I don't really have much else to add here, and I seem to be losing my motivation to write again. Also dann, tschuss._

* * *

**Author's Note: Hmm, yeah… this chapter was kinda random, not gonna lie. But then again, this whole fic is pretty random, so I figured you guys were used to it by now.**

**I'm sorry for the "Yu-Ki-Oh!" thing, but… the pun was literally calling out to me. **

**Here's a translation of Amaimon's gummy-worm-mutterings: "We were gonna order Chinese," and "It's hard to chew."**

**Also, I'm sorry if any of you are Jehovah's Witnesses. I don't mean to offend.**

**And about that chapter title... I am sorry. I have no inspiration at all.**


End file.
